This question comes from Mike in Los Angeles. He writes,

QUESTION: Trey, there is a super-hot chick who lives in my condominium complex. I don’t really know her that well, but she’s very friendly whenever I bump into her. I would love to ask her out, but unfortunately she has a boyfriend.  To make matters worse, her man is a “Grade A” douchebag.  I get migraines whenever I wonder what the hell she sees in that clown. What do you think I should do, O wise one?

TREY SAY: I’m glad that you wrote to me, Mike.  As you probably know by now, Los Angeles is filled with chicks who are dating douchebags and it’s usually for one of three reasons:

Money or promises of fame: This happens all of the time in LA. Some douche with money or influence will prey on some hot chick and promise her the high life just as long as she flosses with his pubic hair every night. There’s probably some young hottie engaging in this ritual right now just to get a non-speaking role on Parks and Recreation. So sad…

Insecurity/Low Self-esteem: LA is an interesting city. Every day some Midwestern chick who was the hottest girl in her po-dunk high school or college decides to move out here to become the “next big thing.” Once she realizes that she’s competing with a ton of women who are ten times better looking and talented than her, she’ll lose all of the confidence that she once had and will probably start using drugs, get into porn, or both. That’s when a douchebag will swoop in to claim her. Equally as sad…

Girls in LA like douchebags: Yeah…I can’t really explain this.

Regardless of the reason, you should go for it. Why? Because the odds are in your favor. Think about it – if the chick is as hot as you say she is, imagine what it would be like if she was single? You’d have to compete against a crapload of dudes to get her attention. Since she’s in a relationship, you only have to compete with one dude – and since he’s a complete loser, that increases your odds exponentially.

Your action plan follows…

Have one of your buddies dress up like some scumbag  gang member, and have him follow the chick to her car in the parking garage – also make sure he brings a knife.  The following exchange will take place…

BUDDY: Hey toots, give me your purse or else I’ll carve you up like a pumpkin!

GIRL: EEEEEEEEEEKKKK! Get away from me!! HELP!!!

YOU: Hey! You heard the lady. Get away from her!

BUDDY: Keep walking, p*ssy – or else you might get hurt.

YOU: She’s my friend, and if you lay a hand on her – you’ll regret it.

BUDDY: You have no idea what you’re getting into, kid.

YOU: Let’s do this.

What needs to follow is the most innovative fight sequence ever. I’m talking about some Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon sh*t. It has to be entertaining or else your chick will run away, and this whole thing would be a waste of time. Just make sure that your finishing move fractures some of his ribs or else none of this will seem real. Once you’ve defeated your foe, simply give the girl access to your unit (pun completely intended) by giving her your key and saying “I don’t like sleeping alone,” and walk away.  Within 15 minutes, she’ll be on your nuts like flies on stink.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  “What type of dude would get his ribs broken just so one of his friends could get laid?”  A damn good dude, that’s who.  Since it’s the holiday season, be sure to offer your buddy a 6-pack of beer or $20 for letting you shatter his bones in order for you to get a piece of ass.

Dammit, I’m good.  Let me know how that  works out for you.