TREY SAY: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  Today is a day for families, friends, good food, and good times.  It’s also a day to remember what we’re thankful for, and I’m going to take a moment to reflect on that topic right now.

1) I’m thankful for the fact that I look and feel better now than I did in High School.  I say this because many of you are in your hometowns right now, and you probably met up with your High School friends for some drinks to remember the good ol’ days.  There is not one of you reading this who didn’t have the “stud athlete” or the “hot chick” in your High School, only to bump into them years later to find out that they’re not nearly as cool/hot as they used to be.  Take this exchange that I had with “the stud High School basketball star” when I went to my hometown a few years ago:

ME: “Hey man, what’s up?  How’s life treating you?”

STUD ATHLETE: “Not bad.  What are you up to these days?”

ME: “Oh, I’m a world-class advice columnist, have a great wife, live in a beautiful condo in the Westside of Los Angeles, and I’m very happy.  What about you?”

STUD ATHLETE: “Yeah, I’m working.”

ME: “Working?  What does that…”

STUD ATHLETE: “Um…excuse me for a second.”

***Stud athlete tries to walk away, but is stopped by a random dude***

RANDOM DUDE: “Hey, why aren’t you at work??”

STUD ATHLETE: “Uh, um…I didn’t know I had to work today, sir.”

RANDOM DUDE: “I don’t want to hear excuses!  All I know is that all of the bathrooms better be spotless by 6AM tomorrow morning, and those toilets better be cleaned to the point that I can lick them and enjoy the taste.  You understand??”

STUD ATHLETE: “Yes sir.”

***Random dude walks away***

ME: “What the hell was that all about?  Are you a janitor??”

STUD ATHLETE: “Actually, I’m a Custodial Engineer.”

ME: “What happened to you?  You were the coolest kid in High School, chicks loved you, and you had dreams of playing basketball professionally.  Now you’re a fat janitor.”

STUD ATHLETE: “Custodial Engineer!”

ME: “Whatever.”

STUD ATHLETE: “I just want to have one month where I don’t have to suck dick for extra money to pay rent.  It’s just not my thing, you know?”

ME: “Say what??”

STUD ATHLETE: “My job doesn’t pay very well, so I have make money on the side.  Swallowing and cuddling is an extra charge, but I’m totally not gay.”

ME: “OK…”

***Awkward silence***

STUD ATHLETE: “So, I don’t know what you’re doing later, but…”

ME: “I will fight you, dog.”

STUD ATHLETE: “Can I at least borrow $20?”

Anyway, I’m very thankful that I didn’t experience the peak of my success in life as 17-year old like that fool did.

 

2) I’m thankful that I’m not single.  Maybe this is not the case in other cities, but most (not all) of the 30+ year old single women in LA are either certifiably insane, have VD, have 3 kids, or would never consider dating you unless you make over $500K/yr.  I’m thankful to have a wonderful wife who loves me, although she hates my advice column for some reason (can you imagine that??  She’ll come around eventually).

3) I’m thankful that I don’t have a small penis.  I don’t have anything clever or funny to say about this.

4) I’m thankful that I’m not a short dude.  I’m not trying to hate on my vertically-challenged male readers, but damn it must suck to be you.  If you ask a chick what she looks for in a man (physically), one of the first things she’ll say is that he has to be over 6′ tall.  Whenever I see a short dude in LA with a hot chick, I know that he’s rich or influential in Hollywood – because that girl would NEVER date that guy if he was a Joe Schmoe with a corporate job.  Being 6’2 has its benefits.

5) I’m thankful for the fact that I’m in a financial situation where I would never consider being near a shopping mall for those door-buster deals on Friday.  Listen, I know that things are tough financially for many folks these days – but sitting outside of a Best Buy at Midnight on Thanksgiving night just so you can fight a group of losers to buy a flatscreen TV for $199 instead of $499 is the height of insanity to me.  Seriously, are these people factoring in the $500 Emergency Room visit fee they’ll have to pay once they break a bone wrestling for said $199 flatscreen TV?  Even if Best Buy was offering those flatscreens for $1, I still wouldn’t participate in that nonsense.

Also, I don’t know why they call it “Black Friday, ” either.  You’re telling me that Mexicans and penny-pinching Jews don’t like a good deal, too?  Riiiiight, and I’m Tito Jackson.  Enough with the “Black Friday” crap.

6) I’m thankful for douchebags, losers, skanks, and whores.  Why?  Let me explain.  Remember the last Batman movie, The Dark Knight?  Batman asked the Joker why he’s trying to kill him.  The Joker responded by saying,”Kill you??  I need you!  Without Batman there is no Joker.  You complete me!”  That’s similar to what I’m experiencing here.  Would the world be a better place without douchebags, losers, skanks, and whores?  Possibly, but it would not be a better world for me.  Without them, there is no Trey Say advice column - and quite frankly, that’s not a world that I would choose to live in.   Would you?  That’s what I thought.

7) Last but not least, I’m thankful for all of my fans of this advice column.  Sure, I can be offensive, brash, and crude, but the fact that you all keep coming back to support me proves that you accept me for who I am, and you accept this column for what it is.  All jokes aside – I appreciate all of you for providing me with an outlet to share my craziness with the world.

So eat some turkey today, watch some football, hug a loved one, and remember what you’re thankful for.

Let me know how that works out for you.

On second thought – don’t.  I’ll be too busy eating and sleeping.