TREY SAY: As I spend time with my family as 2011 comes to a close, I can’t help but think of my Christmas experiences from years past, so I figured that I’d share one of them with you. 

 

 

 

I remember when I was about 10 years old, I questioned my parents about everything…including Santa.  Here’s an example of a conversation I had with my Mom when I was a kid.

ME: ”Mom, do you love me?”

MOM: ”Of course I do, honey! Why would you ask such a silly thing?”

ME: ”I guess it’s because of the whole Santa Claus thing.  I don’t understand it.”

MOM: ”What are you talking about?”

ME: ”Well, he’s an old, fat, white man who gets his jollies from having children sit on his lap, and he tempts them with toys and candy.  Isn’t that wrong?”

MOM: ”Um…well, I…”

ME: ”Didn’t you tell me to watch out for old white men because they are pedio…peda…um…”

MOM: ”Pedophiles.  Yes, I did, but…”

ME: ”So why would you want me to sit on the lap of a pedophile, Mom?”

MOM: ”Santa isn’t a pedophile, Trey.  He loves children.”

ME: ”I’m sure he loves children, and that’s the problem.  What aren’t you understanding here, Mom?  He’s creepy.”

***Mom rolls her eyes and walks away***

ME: ”Mom, I’m not done.”

MOM: ”What else, Trey?”

ME: ”How does Santa get away with breaking into peoples’ homes?”

MOM: ”It’s not breaking and entering…we want him to come in and greet us.”

ME: ”Mom, if a white man broke into a house in Compton, he’d be greeted by Smith & Wesson.”

MOM: ”Yeah that’s probably true, but Christmas is an exception.  Speaking of which, you should be happy that you have a family that celebrates Christmas.  The Horowitzstein family down the road doesn’t celebrate it at all…maybe I should send you to stay with them.”

ME: ”That would be great.  They celebrate Hanukkah, so that means 7 days of presents instead of getting one lame gift.  They drive a nicer car than you and they have a much bigger house, so that would be fun.  The only thing that would suck is that they eat lots of bagels.  I don’t like bagels.”

**Awkward silence**

ME: ”Besides, I wouldn’t have to see that podo…pupu…um…”

MOM: ”Pedophile.  And Santa isn’t one!”

ME: ”Also, why isn’t Santa black?”

MOM: ”Because he’s white, Trey!” **Mom is clearly becoming exasperated at this point**

ME: ”Well you keep telling me that black men are better athletes than white men, right?”

MOM: ”Um, I don’t remember telling you that, but what’s your point?”

ME: ”So how could a fat, out-of-shape, old white man visit every home on the planet and lift thousands of heavy presents between midnight and 6 AM on Christmas morning?  It’s impossible.”

**More awkward silence**

ME: ”You know Jerome who lives in the crappy apartment complex down the street?  He’s big, fast, and strong.  Didn’t he play football and basketball in college?  He could probably lift and deliver all of the presents on-time.  I’m sure working as Santa would pay more than his job selling ‘white lady dust.’”

MOM: ”‘White lady dust’??  Do you mean cocaine??”

ME: ”Who knows?  He just said if I tried some, my wee-wee would grow much bigger and girls would love me.”

MOM: ”Oh my goodness…my boy used drugs. I’ve failed.”

ME: ”Don’t worry, Mom.  I told him that my wee-wee is really big and I don’t need any help with that.”

MOM: ”Thank God.”

ME: ”Yeah, I like my wee-wee.”

MOM: ”That’s not what I meant.  So do you have any other questions?”

ME: ”No, I think I’m good, Mom.”

MOM: ”Good…I need to make dinner.”

ME: ”Mom?”

MOM: ”What, Trey?”

ME: ”Is the Tooth Fairy gay?”

This line of questioning continued for at least an hour before my mom grounded me and put a lump of coal in my stocking.  You see – Christmas helped to shape me into the crazy man I am today.  Take a moment to think of your best Christmas memories while you spend time with your loved ones this holiday season.  Or you can just share this story with your friends on Facebook and direct them to “Like” my advice column…I’m cool with that, too.  In any case, let me know how that works out for you.  I’ll see you guys in 2012!