This question comes from Kelly in Washington, DC. She writes,

QUESTION: Hey Trey, my company’s Christmas party is on Wednesday night. Should I go? Will it be lame?

TREY SAY: First off, it’d be nice if you sprinkled in some political correctness to your question. It’s not a “Christmas party,” it’s a holiday party. I would appreciate it if you’d be sensitive to those people who light that silly looking candle, spin that stupid dreidel, and are so damn greedy that they can’t be satisfied with just one day of receiving gifts. They have feelings and need to be respected, dammit. Secondly, this is a really stupid question – because quite frankly, I’m an advice columnist not a f*cking mind reader. How the hell will I know if it will be lame or not? Do I look like Ms. Cleo to you? By the way, what happened to that broad?

I digress.

Anyway, since ’tis the season for helping out those less fortunate, I’ll assist you.

If your holiday party is like most holiday parties out there, I’m sure that you’ll encounter the usual suspects.

Kiss-up-to-the-boss guy: He’s always there. He is the one stuck to your boss’s ass like cheap toilet paper. Having him around is actually a good thing because it ensures you won’t have to spend any time making small talk with the boss.

Inappropriate guy: Yep, he’ll be there too. He’s the guy who carefully tiptoes the sexual harassment line whenever you interact in the workplace. However, now that you’re in a party setting, he thinks it’s OK to comment on your perky rack, slap your ass, or grind his nuts on you while you’re on the dance floor as if he’s trying to brew premium coffee. If you don’t like him (and you probably don’t), you can take pictures of him of harassing you and bring them with you to the HR department the next morning.  He’ll get to rub up against you at the party, and you’ll get him fired right before Christmas. Everybody wins.

Talks-too-much guy: He’ll spot you from across the room and start flapping his gums about how his 7 month old son has a cold, or how he found a new commute to work, or how he has a strategy to increase productivity in the Finance department. Meanwhile, your mind is filled with creative ways to fake your own death so the conversation will end. Yep, you guessed it – he’ll be there too.

Gets-way-too-drunk guy: Oh, he’s worth the price of admission alone. He’ll down at least 6 shots, he’ll hit on the boss’s wife, he’ll take his shirt off on the dance floor, and just make a complete ass out of himself.  Dude is more entertaining than a Dexter marathon. Just sit back and watch it all unfold. Actually, the best thing about “Gets-way-too-drunk guy” is seeing him the next morning.  Just have the following conversation with him:

YOU: Hey! Did you have fun at the party last night?

GWTD GUY: It was OK.

YOU: I had no idea that you partied like that…especially when you pulled the “Reverse King Cobra” on all of the girls on the dance floor! Hilarious!

GWTD GUY: Um…right.

YOU: I’m so glad that we took pictures of it! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life!

GWTD GUY: OK, I’m going to check my emails now…have a good one.

YOU: Reverse King Cobrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrra, baby!!!

Of course there is no such thing as the “Reverse King Cobra,” but since that fool was too drunk to remember anything, he’ll spend the all day searching for it on Google while thinking that his job is jeopardy.  Good times.

So Kelly, your attendance solely depends on the type of chick you are. If you’re a sh*t stirrer like me, you’ll put on your party pants and go. If you’re not a sappy sissy broad who would rather watch Lifetime movies with a tub of Rocky Road ice cream, then you’ll most likely stay home. On second thought, if you watch Lifetime movies then probably wouldn’t even write into my crazy advice column in the first place, right? Have fun, and let me know how it works out for you.