Halloween in LA

This question comes from Shawn in Dallas, TX.  He writes,

QUESTION: I’m a Texan, and due to an unfortunate work-related business trip next week, I’ll be stuck in your cesspool of a city for Halloween weekend (editor’s note: he’s referring to Los Angeles).  I’m not at all happy about it, but I am looking forward to going to a Halloween party on the 29th.  I want to wear a costume so offensive and over-the-top that it will totally piss everyone off at the party.  Any ideas? I would dress up as a loud-mouthed black guy who gives shitty advice, but it looks like you have that one covered already. Oh yeah, and don’t mess with Texas!

TREY SAY: Shut the hell up, idiot.  What exactly are you going to do during this alleged “business trip,” anyway? Flirt with the animals at the local petting zoo? By the way, nothing sounds dumber than the whole “don’t mess with Texas” thing.  Ooooh…so you think you’re tough because you chew tobacco, listen to John Cougar Mellencamp, and drive a Ford pickup truck with a pissing Calvin bumper sticker on it?  Get over yourself.  The reason why people “don’t mess with Texas” has nothing to do with the fear of you kicking our asses.  Here’s a scenario that might help to make this clearer for you.  Let’s say that I went to a bar and there was an ugly chick with eight bastard children, horrible breath, and a glass eye sitting next to me named “Texas.”  Here’s how the conversation would go:

TEXAS: ”Hey baby, I’m Texas…do you want to make out?”

ME: ”Hell no, you nasty skank.  Back the hell up.”

TEXAS: ”That’s cool.  I know that there is one guy in this bar that will sleep with me.”

ME: ”Whatever.  Just get the fuck away from me.”

** an extremely intoxicated dude walks towards me**

DRUNK GUY: ”Dude…I’d totally *burp* get with that broad.  She’s sooooo hot!”

ME: ”Bro, whatever you do, don’t mess with Texas.”

In other words, we don’t mess with Texas because we have no interest in Texas.  You’re as irrelevant as Wyoming and Idaho.  Besides, all of the hot chicks in your state will end up moving to LA, anyway (if they haven’t already).  Deal with it.

I digress.

So Cletus, you’ve come to me for advice and I should probably help you.  If you’re looking for the top five costumes to offend Los Angelinos, I’ll gladly provide them for you:

5) LARRY BIRD: If you walk into any Los Angeles party wearing a puke-green #33 Boston Celtics jersey, you will automatically become the least popular person there.

4) ANY REPUBLICAN: Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, etc. Take your pick. Once you get to the party, start spitting the typical Republican rhetoric:

• “We need smaller government!”
• “Obama is a Socialist, Fascist, Communist (or any other “ist” that you probably don’t know the meaning of)”
• “The Tea Party will bring America back to prosperity!”

Being from Texas, I’m sure that you already subscribe to this type of thinking – but that shit doesn’t fly in Los Angeles. If you decide to be Rush Limbaugh, I’d suggest you go balls out and be high on pain killers as well. That will be useful once you get beaten within an inch of your sorry ass life.

3) FRANK MCCOURT: For those of you who don’t know, he’s the idiot from Boston who bought the Los Angeles Dodgers and subsequently ran this once-proud franchise into the ground. For baseball fans, he’s easily the most hated man in this city. If your party happens to be in East LA, I highly recommend that you dress up as him. Also, be sure to wear an “I hate Mexicans” T-shirt while you’re at it.

2) TRAFFIC: There is nothing that LA folks hate more than traffic, so maybe that should be your costume.  How does one become “traffic,” you ask?  It’s simple.

• Stand in front of the keg and take 10 minutes to fill up your 8 oz plastic cup with beer.
• Pull up next to a hot chick at the party and make douche-baggy gestures to her like the thumb-pinky “call me,” blow kisses, etc.  When she tries to get away from you, just stay by her side for at least 15 minutes.
• When people are taking too long in the bathroom, yell “HURRY UP, ASSHOLE!!  WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO PISS LIKE THAT??  MY GRANDMA TAKES QUICKER DUMPS THAN YOU!! etc.”

1) YOU: Yeah, I said it – come as you are. Just roll to the party looking/acting like a broke-down Yosemite Sam. That includes:

• Tight-ass, sperm-melting Wrangler jeans
• Stupid looking cowboy hat (by the way, if you’re over the age of 10 and you would voluntarily wear a cowboy hat in public – you really need to kill yourself after you’re done reading this column)
• A lack of familiarity with indoor plumbing
• A horse that works double-duty as your transportation and girlfriend

Let me know how that works out for you.