This question comes from Richard in Los Angeles. He writes,

QUESTION: I’m about to become a parent literally any day now. I’ve never changed a diaper and I’m pretty clueless when it comes to children. Do you have any advice to share with me?

TREY SAY: Well, champ – not only are you clueless about children, but you’re clueless about the fact that I don’t have any children. It’d be pretty damn difficult to write the greatest advice column on the planet if I was busy changing poopy diapers and chasing around snot-nosed toddlers all day, now wouldn’t it?  However, I’ll do what I can to help.

Speaking of advice – is there anything in the world where people provide more unsolicited advice/”expertise” than with parenting? Here are some examples that I’ve overheard given to my friends:

“I had my son breastfeed with me until he was 4. People thought I was crazy, but I didn’t care.” Conducting what looks like a child pornography scene will usually garner that reaction.

“I had my daughter sleep in the same bed with us every night until she was 10. It made our family stronger.” Right – because nothing says ‘family unity’ like your husband banging the office skank during his lunch hour because he can’t get any action from his own wife.

“The best thing you can do for a crying baby is mix in a very small amount of whiskey into his bottle. That will keep him quiet for a while.” No – that will keep him ‘dead’ for a while. Let me know how prison life works out for you.

“Cloth diapers are the best! You should use them too!” Eww…

Anyway, since you solicited me for my two-cents, let me tell you what NOT to do from the viewpoint of a non-parent.

#1: Don’t talk about your kids all of the time: You’re going to love your kid more than anything in the world…I get it. That doesn’t mean that everyone is going to love your kid as much as you do.  Additionally, everyone knows (and hates) that guy who ties his kids into every conversation. For example, you could be talking about the football playoffs, and “that guy” will be the one who says, “Did you know that my son’s initials are ‘NFL’? Just thought I’d share that!” No one gives a rat’s ass about your kid’s initials, so unless you’re going to drop some stats about the game, you’d be best served by sipping from a tall glass of “Shut the F*ck up.” If you decide to incessantly talk about how great your kid is – people will run (not walk) in the opposite direction whenever you try to join a conversation. If your child is truly great, people will know it without you reminding us about it all damn day. Remember, less is more.

#2: Don’t say that your kid is the cutest kid in the world: Again, you’ll probably think that’s true – but that doesn’t mean you should keep beating it into our heads.  By all means, you should share pictures and videos of your children – but don’t follow up every picture with “isn’t he/she just the cutest thing EVER??” Every parent out there is going to hate you because they think their kids are the cutest things ever.  Hell, last week a Facebook friend posted “the most adorable video” of her daughter using the potty for the first time.  I don’t care who you are – human waste is not adorable. Stop posting that sh*t (literally and figuratively).

#3: Don’t be that guy who uses your kid’s picture as your primary Facebook photo: Not only is this not cool, but it’s creepy and weird. Yes we know that you’re proud of your kid, but your kid is NOT you! For example – the other day I received a FB friend request from a chick whose name I didn’t recognize.  Once I saw that she had a picture of a baby boy as her primary picture, I rejected her.  She then wrote back saying, “Hey! Don’t you remember me? We used to date.” The thought of me dating a 6-month old boy emotionally scarred me for the remainder of the day. Anyway, if you’re too ugly to have a primary Facebook picture of just yourself, try including a picture of you with your kids instead. If your kids are cute enough, they won’t even notice you.

#4: Don’t raise a bratty kid: There is nothing more annoying than parents who allow their kids to raise hell in shopping malls, supermarkets, airplanes, etc. without saying/doing anything about it. Just so you know – us non-parents want to beat the sh*t out of you and your kids whenever this happens.  On a random note – have you noticed that the sh*ttiest parents are the ones who offer up the most unsolicited parenting advice? Betty Bad Mom will tell you how to raise your kids, but she’s also the one who thinks it’s cute that her 3-year old son drops F-bombs in public.

So Mr. Mom – my advice to you is to go with your gut. The best parents I know will understand that what works for their kids may or may not work for yours – and they will only provide advice when you ask for it.  They also understand that parenting is no different than any other skill in the respect that you must follow your instincts, rely on people you know and trust for support, and figure out what works best for all parties (namely, you and your child). Sure, there will be sleepless nights and loud screaming – but that’s a typical Friday night for me, so I guess it’s all in how you look at it. Congratulations, and let me know how that works out for you.