First off, you all know that I’m a die-hard basketball fan.  Additionally, I was (notice the past tense) a big fan of LeBron James. He has Magic Johnson’s court sense, Michael Jordan’s athleticism, and the strength of a NFL linebacker. Unfortunately he has the intelligence of a High School dropout and the heart of a snake, and I can’t condone what he did this past Thursday night. Let me lay out a few of the issues I had with this “LeBacle.”

ISSUE #1: HOW HE TREATED CLEVELAND: Look, I live in beautiful Los Angeles.  There are hot chicks everywhere, great year-round weather, great parties, etc.  It’s about the same as Miami, except for the fact that they have more Hispanics, Republicans, and rain. Conversely, the city of Cleveland makes Baghdad look like, well…Miami.  I can’t particularly say I blame the guy for wanting to leave that craphole of a city. With that being said, Cleveland is a city that has suffered through a lot of sports heartbreak and despair. “The Fumble,” “The Drive,” “The Jordan Shot,” “Jose Mesa,” “Art Modell,” and now this.  If he wanted to bail on Cleveland, he should’ve done it like a man by speaking with the team owner face-to-face instead of doing it during the most self-aggrandizing travishamockery in the history of sports.

Here’s an analogy for you: Let’s say you’re a kinda dorky High School kid and you’re dating one of the hottest girls in school. It’s nearing graduation day, and you’re wondering if she’ll continue to date you once it’s time to go to college or if she’ll find another dude. You’ve dated her all through High School, so you’re pretty confident that she’ll stay with you due to loyalty and love, and then this happens…

YOU: “So have you made your decision yet? Do you want to be with me or not?”

GIRL: “I’m going to announce my decision during our graduation ceremony.”

YOU: “Wait a second – DURING our graduation ceremony?? Why don’t you just tell me now?”

GIRL:  “Because it will be televised nationally on ESPN, that’s why.”

YOU: “ESPN?? This has nothing to do with sports! Why are they even interested in our graduation ceremony?? Actually don’t answer that…”

GIRL: “Good. I’ll see you on graduation day.”

YOU: “I love you.”

***Your girl walks away***

YOU: “OK…”

***It’s graduation day. There are TV cameras everywhere and the auditorium is filled with 2,000 people. Your girl walks up to the stage and takes the microphone***

GIRL: “Hello everyone, before I make my announcement, ESPN is going to interview me for 30 minutes.”

***Some smug ESPN reporter asks your girl everything from what her favorite sexual position is to who her favorite teacher is***

YOU: (muttering to yourself) “All I know is that if she’s making this much of a production, she’s definitely going to stay with me. I’m feeling good right now.”

GIRL: “I’m ready to announce my decision.”

***Everyone rises to their feet***

GIRL:  “I’ve given this a lot of thought…but I’m going to bring my sexual talents to Jimmy Mills.”

YOU: “What the…Jimmy Mills?? Who the f*ck is he??”

GIRL: “He’s the starting quarterback for the college I’m planning to attend. He’s really hot, is great in bed, and will be a future millionaire once he makes it to the NFL. How could I not choose him?”

YOU: “But…I thought you loved me.”

GIRL: “Um, you’re a geek with a penis the size of a broken angel hair pasta strand. I only dated you because you would do my homework while I played on Facebook and listened to Ke$ha on iTunes.  C’mon…look at me and look at you – do you really think I’d date you once I graduated from this crappy school?

YOU: “Wow, I thought you were really nice. What happened to you? Why did you have to do this on national TV and make a fool out of me?”

GIRL: “Because at the end of the day, I only care about my best interests. Now please excuse me – right after I give Jimmy a blowjob, I have an appointment to get a boob job.  Later, loser.”

Do you think I went overboard there? Actually, I think I understated it – because as bad as that High School kid felt – multiply that by a Gajillion and that’s how the typical citizen of Ohio feels right now.  LeBron was one of Ohio’s own, a beloved son who they watched grow up in their state. They cheered him, defended him, and loved him. Don’t you think they deserved a little better than being pooped on in front of a nationwide audience? I think so.

ISSUE #2: THE PEOPLE WHO ARE DEFENDING HIM: Like I said earlier, he was one of my favorite athletes ever, but I’d have an easier time defending him on the basketball court than I would defending his recent actions off of it. Of course that didn’t stop people from trying.  I’ve heard it all:

“At least he donated the proceeds to the Girls & Boys Club.” Please. If he wanted to be so charitable, why didn’t he just donate the money from his own personal paycheck? I’ll tell you why – because he wanted to hoodwink the stupid people into believing that he’s actually doing a good thing without having to give up a dime of his own money.  

“At least he doesn’t beat women, get arrested, or do drugs.” Is this what the world is coming to? We’re giving people credit for actually obeying laws? Really??  I didn’t receive any props for not raping or killing anyone today, did you?

“Whatever. He’s still the best basketball player in the world.” Now this one really gets me.  Love him or hate him, do you think a guy like Kobe Bryant would ever ride the coattails of two of the best players in the league with the hopes of winning a championship? There’s a better chance of Mel Gibson donating money to a battered women’s shelter before Kobe did that. Why? Because as the immortal WWE wrestler Rick Flair once said, “in order to be the best, you have to beat the best.”  Kobe knows that, and would never damage his legacy as the potential G.O.A.T (greatest of all time) to take the easy way out.  Neither would Jordan, Magic, or Bird…and that’s why LeBron will never experience their level of greatness.

ISSUE #3: HE’S JUST A F*CKING BASKETBALL PLAYER! WHY DO WE CARE SO MUCH?  Hell if I know, but I think the world really needs a paradigm shift if nut jobs like me can write a whole column about a guy who dribbles a basketball for a living. BP is killing the environment, the economy still sucks, Haitians are still suffering, people are losing their jobs and homes, but for some reason we care more about a petulant, spoiled, narcissistic 25-year old athlete who doesn’t care about any of us.  Again, I ask – what is this world coming to?? I could write a separate column on that topic alone, but it’s far too depressing.

In closing, it’s definitely a human interest story to witness someone make the sudden and drastic transformation from one of the most beloved athletes in the world to one of the most despised.  It reminds me of another guy who is walking the same path. They share the same worldwide fame, the same out-of-this-universe talent, the same narcissism – hell, they even share the same December 29th birthday. Yes, I’m talking about Tiger Woods. Tiger clearly isn’t the same athlete after his scandal, and I’d be willing to bet that LeBron won’t be the same player for the rest of his career either. Speaking of the word same, (it will appear no less than seven times in this paragraph alone, so I might as well roll with it), I’ll never have the same love for sports after watching two of my favorite athletes fall from grace so quickly.  Don’t get me wrong - I’ll enjoy watching LeBron and Tiger, but now I’ll be rooting against them instead of for them, and that’s not nearly as much fun. 

Oh, and LeBron – let me know how it works out for you once my beloved Lakers beat you for the NBA Championship next year…if you make it that far.

QUESTION: I have a dilemma on my hands. I’m 22, and will be graduating college next week. I have two job offers on the table, one is in Los Angeles and the other one is in Boston. They both pay the same salary, but I don’t know what to do.  Should I move to Boston where all of my friends and family are (but the weather is super cold)? Or should I move to LA where I don’t know anyone, but the weather is great?  I’m also single and would like to move to the city that has the best men to choose from.  What should I do?

TREY SAY: So you’re a single chick who’s trying to decide between Boston and LA? Well, you came to the right person because I’m very familiar with Massachusetts and I currently live in LA.  Let’s weigh the pros and cons of each city and see what we come up with.

Let’s start with the climate. LA kills it with 75 degrees and sunny weather every day.  What’s the temperature in Boston for most of the year?  Negative umpteen degrees?   No contest.   Score 1-0 in favor of Los Angeles.  

What about the quality of living? It takes about two hours to travel ten miles in LA, the air quality is absolutely terrible, and it costs about $800,000 to buy a 700 square foot, 1-bedroom condo – so it looks like Boston wins that one.  The score is now tied at 1-1. Let’s move on to the tiebreaker, which will be the quality of men in each city.

Let’s start with Beantown:  Boston is a great city for single women, but only if you’re into chubby 5’8 white dudes.  Seriously, don’t all of the guys in Boston look exactly the same?  Cheap Jeans, ratty sneakers, Red Sox T-Shirt, and a dirty Red Sox cap.  Don’t get me started on how they talk.  I can see your first dinner date right now:

YOU: “I don’t know what should I eat…the prime rib looks really good.”

BOSTON GUY:  “You know what I want? Another Sam Adams! AAAAAHHH! I’m about to go to the baaaaaaah and get one. They’re wicked good! AAAAAHHHH!”

YOU: “Um…OK, I think I’ll go with the prime rib, maybe with a side of…”

BOSTON GUY: “What’s your take on the Sawks chances to win the Pennant this year?  I’m so excited for this season that I’d suck off all of the players if they were here right now!  AAAAAHHHH!!  No Homo, though.  AAAAHHH!!!  Go Sawks!!  AAAHHH!!”

YOU: “What the hell? Are you high?”

BOSTON GUY: “Hey, let’s ditch this spawt, and head to Cambridge to beat up some preppies at Haaaahvaaard Yaaaaaahhhd! AAAAHHHH!”

YOU: “Check, please.”

Unfortunately for you, LA dudes aren’t much better. They might not be the same as “Boston Guy,” but they most certainly have their own look. Designer ripped jeans that cost about $500, flip-flops, the extra-medium (or “Smedium,” if you will) designer T-Shirt that costs another $150 (Editor’s note: in many cases, the extra-medium designer T-Shirt can be replaced with a “Tapout” or “Affliction” T-Shirt, which is a sure sign that he’s a closet homosexual) and of course, you can’t forget the sunglasses indoors.  I can see your first dinner date with him, too.

YOU: “Wow, the vodka tonics here are amazing.  I’m going to order another one, but I don’t know what I should eat for dinner…the seafood combo looks really good.”

LA GUY: “You know what looks really good? The combo of my ripped abs, and my smile that’s brighter than a million exploding suns. I worked out at Equinox this morning and saw Brad and Angie there. They wanted me to audition for their upcoming film, but I don’t think that I’ll do it. I have too many other projects to work on.”

YOU: “Um…OK, I think I’ll go with the seafood combo, maybe with a side of…”

LA GUY: “My agent says that I’m a lock to have a photo spread in GQ Magazine next month, but I don’t think that I’ll do it. I have too many other projects to…”

WAITER: “Excuse me, sir. Did you drive a black Mercedes here this evening?”

LA GUY: “Yeah, why?”

WAITER: “The Rental Car company tracked you here and will need to take the car back immediately due to your credit card being declined. They said that there is a 1997 Honda Civic on their lot that you should be able to afford instead. By the way, why are you wearing sunglasses right now? It’s 9 pm and it’s pitch black in here.”

LA GUY: ***takes off his shades***

WAITER: “John?? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be working the night-shift with me here tonight? Why is the reservation under the name “Vincent Van Diego”? Your name is John Schebelstob, and you live at home with your parents.”

LA GUY: “Sorry Garcon, you must have me confused with somebody else.”

WAITER: “Garcon?? This isn’t ‘Dolce,’ fool.  It’s Red Lobster. The only reason why you’re here is because you get an employee discount.  I’m going to charge you full price for the drinks that you ordered, and don’t expect any discounts on your meal, either.”

YOU: “Check, please.”

LA GUY: “Would you mind paying for the drinks? I don’t think that I can do it. All of my money is tied up in a project that I’m working on.”

My dear Julie, here’s your dilemma:  Boston guys aren’t very good-looking, and they’re pretty dumb – but at least they are true to themselves.  LA has some good-looking dudes, but they lie about everything and are complete losers.  So, what should you choose?  Go to New York City…duh.  Let me know how that works out for you.

QUESTION:  There is a dude at my gym who always wears a Bluetooth earpiece AND sunglasses while he’s working out.  He is a complete douchebag and tries to act really important. For example, last week he said, “Yeah baby! Looks like we just closed another $100,000 deal!  Woot!  Woot!” I plan to kick his ass the next time we cross paths, and I’m asking you to change my mind.  Go for it.

TREY SAY: Yeah, Rich…I don’t plan to (or want to) change your mind on this.  Please let me make something perfectly clear to all of my readers:  You should NEVER wear a Bluetooth earpiece anywhere outside of your car.  Not to the mall, not at dinner, not at the supermarket, not at home, and definitely not at the gym. If you wear an earpiece at any one of the aforementioned places, you are a loser.  Period.  Anyway, let’s begin with your action plan.

The first thing you’ll need to do is become friends with this clown.  Just wait for him to have a conversation on his Bluetooth about how much money he makes…once he finishes, follow this script:

YOU: Hey, you sound like a successful business man, is that true?

HIM: Possibly…why are you asking?

YOU: I work for Business Professional magazine, and I need to do a feature on successful businessmen.  Would you mind if we met and I took some photos of you for my magazine?

HIM: Sure, let’s set it up.

***Later on, you meet at his place to take the photos***

YOU: First, I want you to put on your Bluetooth headset and shades for me.  It helps to accentuate your successful vibe.

HIM: That’s cool…hey, what are you doing?

YOU: Nothing…I’m just putting up a map of the Middle-East.  Can you do me a favor and point to Afghanistan with one hand and give a thumbs-up with another?  That would be a great way to say that you’re taking over the world with your shrewd business acumen.

HIM: Yeah, no doubt bro.

***You take a picture***

YOU: Cool. Now I want you to point to California with one hand and give a thumbs-down with the other. This will show that your business plan is going to completely transform California from the boring state it is today.

HIM: Hell yeah! Woot! Woot!

***You take a picture***

YOU: Good, I also brought some other props for you.

***You pull out some fake dynamite ***

YOU: I want to take a picture of you next to this dynamite, because you’re da bomb, baby!

HIM: Word up! This is so hella cool…

***You take a picture***

YOU: OK, I think we’re done here.  I’ll be in touch once the article runs in the magazine.  It was a pleasure meeting you.

HIM: Yeah, I know it was.

The next step is to develop those pictures and send them to your local FBI agency.  Tell them that you’ve been monitoring a dude who is planning to blow up California as a part of a horrific terrorist plot.  The feds will instantly believe you because nobody else would wear shades and a stupid earpiece everywhere unless they were up to no good.  Tell them that you’re willing to be a part of an undercover sting operation to bring him down, if needed.  Since you contain a lot of intelligence about this terrorist, they’ll probably take you up on it.  Here’s how the sting will go down:

***You arrive in the FBI squad car to review a briefing with the agent***

FBI AGENT: Alright, you’re wired for sound.  Just be yourself…we need to get proof of his plot.

YOU: No problem.  All I know is that he says “Woot! Woot!” to communicate with other terrorists across California.

FBI AGENT: Good luck.

***You arrive at the man’s door***

YOU: Hey dude, can I come in?

HIM: Sure…so what brings you by?

YOU: I just wanted to get a statement from you based on our recent conversation.  So what are your goals, again?

HIM: I’m going to take over the world.  I’m going to start by blowin’ up in California, baby!  Woot! Woot!

YOU: I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that.

***You tackle the dude and beat the crap out of him while the FBI comes in and puts him in handcuffs***

HIM: What the hell is going on here?  Why is the FBI here??

FBI AGENT: You have the right to remain silent…anything that you say can be used against you in a court of law…

YOU: Sorry for attacking him, but I just couldn’t let him do that to our country.

FBI AGENT: Don’t apologize.  You’re a national hero for this and Uncle Sam will probably give you a hefty award for your service.

So let’s recap: Not only were you able to kick this guy’s ass for being a douchebag, but you’ll also receive the following perks:

1) You will be widely recognized as an American hero, and you will never have to pay for a meal or adult beverage anywhere in America for the rest of your life.

2) You will make tons of money on the talk show circuit.

3) The line of hot chicks wanting to sleep with you will be extremely long. 

Meanwhile, this clown will spend the remainder of his days getting waterboarded in the “Bay,” which is a punishment that hardly covers his crimes for wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and sunglasses at the gym. Yeah, I know what some of you are thinking, “Trey, there is no way this could ever happen.” And to that I’d respond by saying, “Really?” How about you try wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and sunglasses at the gym tomorrow and watch how many random interview/photoshoot requests you receive because of this column you just read.  I’m that damn good, people.

Anyway, let me know how that works out for you.

QUESTION: Hi Trey, over the weekend one of my girlfriends told me that she received a letter from her mother when she was 25. Basically the letter said that there will be times with her partner (boyfriend/husband) where she’ll need to take one for the team (i.e. either have sex when she’s not in the mood or give him a blow job).  Of course this is true, but is this a message that mother should give to her daughter?  Eww…

TREY SAY: What else did her mother tell her?  That water is wet?  Sarah Palin is stupid?  Arizona really doesn’t like Mexicans?  Of course there will be times that a chick has to take one for the team.  The shocking part of this isn’t that her mom shared this information with her – it’s that her mother didn’t think that your friend knew that already.  Hell, in today’s society – she probably knew that by the time she was in 6^th grade. 

Being the wonderful guy that I am, let me provide you and every other chick reading this with some sound advice to live by when dealing with men:

Don’t mess with us when we watch sports:  Yes, I’ve said this many times before – but if you don’t know the difference between a Point Guard and an Offensive Guard, you probably should either keep your mouth shut or spend the afternoon shopping.  At the time of this post, my beloved Los Angeles Lakers are preparing for the Western Conference Finals.  Luckily, I was smart enough to marry a woman who can give me the shooting percentages of the Lakers starting five and has a strong understanding of the “Triangle Offense.”  Divorce papers will be filed if this ever stops. 

Don’t nag: Why do women do this?  Men hate it with a passion, but it never stops. Speaking of which, could you imagine what it would be like if a guy nagged?

HUSBAND: Honey!!

WIFE: Yes, dear?

HUSBAND: For the last time, could you please wash the dishes?? It’s really bothering me that I have to keep asking you to do it.

WIFE: Um…OK.  If it bothers you so damn much, why don’t you do it?

***Husband sighs loudly, rolls his eyes, and flails his arms like he’s exasperated***

HUSBAND: Fine! I’ll do it, but don’t expect to get any action from me tonight. Once I’m done watching Vampire Diaries, I have a feeling that a headache will be coming on.

WIFE: Whatever, you punk ass bitch.

See? This would never happen, because men don’t act that way.  Do you women see how annoying you are when you do this?  Do you??  Will you please stop????  Wait, now I’m nagging.  Nevermind.

Swallow:  Yeah…we don’t need to go into detail about that.

Stop hating: You know who the biggest haters on the planet are?  You guessed it: Women.  Not only are they haters, but they hate on other women all of the time.  For example, a female friend of mine approached me about Maxim magazine naming Katy Perry as #1 on its “Hot 100” list. She told me that Katy is “ugly and disgusting.”  Really?  Disagreeing with the selection is one thing, but to call her ugly and disgusting is going overboard.  First off, unless your name is Nicole Scherzinger or Beyonce – Katy Perry is much hotter than you.  Secondly, your husband or boyfriend would have sex with Katy in a moment’s notice if provided the opportunity.  So a little less “hateration” and a little more congratulation would be nice once in a while.  It just makes you look insecure, and dudes don’t like that.

I could go on for days about this, Ricki…but I think that’s a good start for now.  I hope you and every other woman reading this follows my advice if you plan to keep your man happy.  If not, let me know how spending nights alone watching Ghost Whisperer reruns and eating Rocky Road ice cream works out for you.

QUESTION:  Hi Trey, I love your work!  I’m a white girl, and I have a question about black guys.   I am very happy with my body, and I like to believe that I have an athletic build.  Anyhow, for whatever reason – a lot of black men find me attractive.  They keep telling me that it’s because I have a “fat ass.”  I don’t know any woman who would be flattered by having any part of her body be called “fat,” but they insist that it’s a compliment.  What’s up with that?  I’ve never been with a black guy before, but since I’m not having much luck with white guys, I think I might try.

TREY SAY: Paula, although I haven’t seen your “fat ass,” I’m assuming that it’s a thing of beauty, and most white guys just aren’t mentally equipped (or physically equipped) to deal with it.  For example, let’s look at the kind of women who most white dudes find attractive nowadays;  the Keira Knightley, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan types.  You could get any 12-year old white boy off the street, put a wig and some makeup on him, and he’d look like any of those three broads.  No ass, no rack, and no curves to speak of.

Black men love a nice ass.  Why?  Hell if I know.  We just do.  I wish I had something witty and/or funny to say here, but I don’t.

So you haven’t been with a black man before, huh?  Just so you know, many black men will do sh*t to you in bed that we’d never try with a black woman.  Why?  Because most black women would beat the piss out of us if we even thought about doing the stuff most of us pull out on white chicks.  And I’m talking freaky stuff; not that PG-13 hair-pulling, ass-smacking crap, either.  Just be prepared to be tossed around the room like a rag doll and to grab your ankles more often than a pilates instructor and you’ll be fine.  Most importantly, there would be a better chance of Senator McCain and George Lopez spending a romantic vacation together in Arizona before you’d even consider dating a white guy again.  I just hope your parents are cool with having Jaqwan and LaShaquea as their grandkids instead of Bradley and Paige.  Let me know how that works out for you.

QUESTION: I have a 17 year old daughter, and yesterday I came home early from a business trip and walked in on her having sex with a 19 year old boy.  I’m mortified, and I don’t know what to do. All I know is that the moral fabric of our country has gone to hell ever since Obama came into office.  If Sarah Palin was president, my daughter would have someone to look up to and I wouldn’t have this problem.

TREY SAY: Shut up, stupid. So you’re blaming President Obama for the fact that your kid is sexually active? Interesting.  Let me play along with your flawed thinking for a moment: In your fantasy world, Sarah Palin would be President and your daughter’s loins would be as pure as the driven white snow, right? Let me refresh your memory – Sarah’s teenage daughter got knocked up by a scumbag redneck who was named after a pair of cheap jeans.  If you can’t trust that fool to manage the moral fabric of her own household, how the hell do you expect her to manage it for your family and the rest of America?  More importantly, you shouldn’t expect President Obama, Sarah Palin, or anyone else to raise your kids, because that’s your job. If you want your daughter to “look up” to someone, maybe she should start with the primary female figure in her life (yes, that would be you, champ).  Grow the hell up, and become a parent for crying out loud. 

Now, if you want advice on how to scare the living sh*t out of your kid, you came to the right dude.  The first thing you’d need to do is borrow one of my buddy’s kids.  Out of respect to my friend, I’m going to change the name of his child to “Rufus.”  Rufus is the most disrespectful and troublemaking 11 year old kid on the planet.  Let’s put it this way – if I had the choice to have wild circus sex with Beyonce every day for a month, or the opportunity to beat the living sh*t out of Rufus without the fear of going to jail – I’d take the latter in a heartbeat.  Anyway, my buddy would have no problem with you taking his bratty kid off of his hands for a few days, trust me.

That being said – here’s what you do.  Tell your skanky daughter that she has to babysit her “distant cousin, Rufus” while you’re away on business. You can justify it by saying that if she’s willing to have sex, she should be willing to deal with the potential consequences of being a parent – and babysitting the kid for a weekend will serve as her punishment.  Leave Rufus with your daughter and go to a place where you can relax for a couple of days.  Here’s how it will go down:

RUFUS: I’m hungry, when do we eat?

DAUGHTER:  You just ate 30 minutes ago…wait until dinner.

RUFUS: I thought bitches are only good for cooking and cleaning, and you’re not doing any of those things right now.

DAUGHTER: Whoa…who are you calling a bitch?

RUFUS:  Um…you.  Are you retarded too?

DAUGHTER: Look kid, you should never call someone retarded or a bitch. It’s extremely rude.

RUFUS: How about I call you a bitchy retard? Would that work for you?

***Your daughter’s blood begins to boil***

RUFUS: What’s the matter, chubby? Are you going to hit me? Go eat another piece of pie, fat ass. Just make sure that the crumbs don’t get stuck between one of your triple chins.

***Your daughter puts Rufus in a chokehold***

DAUGHTER: Listen up, you little piece of sh*t, I could snap your neck right now and make it look like an accident. You better shut the hell up and behave or I’ll make it a reality. Do you understand me??

RUFUS: I understand…please don’t hurt me.

DAUGHTER: Good. Now go to the guest room and don’t come out until I tell you to.

RUFUS: OK.

***Two hours pass, and your daughter checks on Rufus***

DAUGHTER: Rufus, have you seen my cell phone? I can’t seem to…wait, what the hell are you doing??

RUFUS:  I used your cell phone to take a video of your violent attack on me, and uploaded it to YouTube. 

DAUGHTER: I’m going to kill you…

***Your daughter snatches her cell phone from Rufus***

RUFUS: And by the way, I just texted every contact in your phone asking if anyone would like to “camp out in the ‘love cave’ between your legs.”

DAUGHTER:  What??

RUFUS: Don’t worry, you’ll get paid for it. I told them that you’re charging $20/hr.

***The doorbell rings***

RUFUS: I wonder who that could be?

***your daughter answers the door to find two guys with $20 bills***

GUY #1:  Hey, we heard that you’re charging dudes $20 to have sex with you, we’re in!

DAUGHTER: Get the f*ck out of here!

***A police officer walks up to the door***

DAUGHTER: How can I help you, Officer?

OFFICER: We received a complaint of violence against a minor and prostitution at this residence, ma’am.

DAUGHTER: That’s ridiculous. Nothing is going on here. 

OFFICER: So why are these two guys here with $20 bills?

DAUGHTER: It’s a long story, Officer…but nothing is going on.  Actually…

***Rufus walks to the door naked***

RUFUS: Please don’t force me to have sex with you again…I am slowly losing my innocence every time you make me “pet the kitty.”

OFFICER: Ma’am, you’re under arrest.

DAUGHTER:  He’s lying!! I haven’t done anything!

OFFICER: Tell it to the judge.

GUY #2: Eww…you’re having sex with a child! Wait ‘til we tell everyone in school about you!

From here, one of two things will happen: Your daughter would be hauled off to prison for the next 15 years, or she’d be so emotionally traumatized by Rufus that the fear of bearing children would stop her from having sex for at least the next 15 years.  Everybody wins.

Damn, I’m good.  Let me know how that works for you.

For those of you who don’t follow or care about sports, let me give you a brief overview of what happened here:  Last month, Ben and a few of his buddies went out to a college bar to have a few drinks.  During the course of the night he met a 20-year old girl and allegedly raped her in the bar’s bathroom.  If you want more details, I’d suggest visiting “The Smoking Gun” website and you’ll find out all that you need to know (and probably a lot more).

I have a couple of problems with this whole thing (besides the alleged rape, of course), and I’ll lay them out right now:

Problem #1: You’re Ben f*cking Roethlisberger! Why the hell are you in a college bar trying to get ass?  A college bar?? Really? You’re worth many million dollars, and the best you can do is hit on chicks who think Vampire Diaries is quality television?  Do you think Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb, or Tom Brady would be caught dead drinking with teenagers?  How stupid are you?  You’re practically 30 years old, for Pete’s sake.  You know what other famous athletes and celebrities do when they want to get laid?  They’ll either hire, um… “professionals,” or they’ll spit some friendly game to women in their age bracket.  And by “friendly game,” I mean the most rudimentary bullsh*t you could possibly say to a woman.  When you’re a rich celebrity, you can pull out pickup lines like, “what’s your sign?” or “do you come here often?” and you’ll get almost any morally-casual woman to sleep with you.  For example:

RICH CELEBRITY: Hi there, toots.

HOT WOMAN:  Hi!

RICH CELEBRITY: Did you know that I also work for the IRS?

HOT WOMAN: No, really?

RICH CELEBRITY: Yep, because I plan to tax that ass all night long, baby!

HOT WOMAN:  I’m so hot for you right now…

RICH CELEBRITY: I know.

It’s just that simple. Anyway, I can promise you that most rich celebrities wouldn’t go trolling for chicks who can’t legally drink alcohol.  Remember, this is the same dude who had a civil suit against him for sexual misconduct, and almost killed himself because he crashed his motorcycle without wearing a helmet. It’s safe to say that he will not be invited to any Mensa conferences in the immediate future (unless the members are looking to conduct a case study on how stupid people can be).

Problem #2:  We’ve established that Ben is a complete idiot, but unfortunately there are thousands of idiotic sports fans who support this guy.  If you happen to visit internet message boards, you’ll find that the support themes fall into one of these categories (which I can refute without breaking a sweat):

She probably just wants to be famous, and is using Ben to do it:  Yeah, because I sure as hell can’t think of a better way to become famous than to have your name dragged through the mud and have all of your intimate details plastered all over TV and the internet – all while receiving death threats from mouth-breathing Steelers fans.

He’s not guilty of a crime, so give him a break: True, but let’s be real for a minute:  In my opinion, I believe that the only reason the charges were dropped was because the accuser didn’t want to deal with the humiliation and public spectacle that a trial would bring – and unfortunately that’s the case with many alleged rape victims. So just because he’s not standing in front of a judge and jury doesn’t mean that he’s not guilty.  Personally, I think that everything in that police report is true, and I believe that a crime was committed – but hey, that’s just one guy’s opinion.  It would be one thing if this was an isolated incident, but he was accused by another woman of sexual misconduct about a year ago…so I can’t help but think there’s something to this.

There is another thing that bothers me, and that’s the racial aspect to it. I could write a separate column on that, but I’ll refrain from doing so.  I’m not saying that Ben is getting a free ride here, but I’m shocked by the amount of apologists out there supporting this clown and his behavior.  All I’ll say about it is if this happened to LeBron James (a superstar black athlete with NO criminal record), he’d get absolutely murdered in the court of public opinion.

So here’s my advice for you, Big Ben: Stay out of college bars, stop allegedly forcing women to have sex with your dumb ass, work on your game so you can get the Steelers back to the playoffs, and most importantly – start becoming the role-model for young kids that the NFL expects you to be.  If you don’t follow my advice, there’s a good chance that a proud organization like the Steelers will ship you off to NFL purgatory (otherwise known as the Oakland Raiders), or worse – you’ll find yourself in prison.  Let us know how that one works out for you.

My readers should know by now that I’m a liberal dude. I believe in things like a woman’s right to choose an abortion, gay marriage – and (wait for it) healthcare for all Americans.  What?  You’re against healthcare reform?  That’s cool.  What’s your reason for it?  I’ve found that people will usually say one of three things:

We have the BEST healthcare in the world!!  Why change it?

Really?  At last check we have at least 50 million Americans that are left uninsured, and many of those 50 million Americans are becoming bankrupt due to overwhelming medical bills.  Oh, did I mention that we have by far the highest medical costs on the planet?  Yeah, but that’s OK.  Go America!  Please. 

Once this bill passes, I’m going to lose my healthcare coverage! It’s horrible!

Back away slowly from Fox News, Champ.  It might behoove you to actually read up on the healthcare Bill and do your homework.  Here’s how you could lose your healthcare under the current system: Get laid off from your job, quit your job, leave your job for another one and wait for your benefits to kick in, leave your job to start your own business – only to have it crap out in a few months – or *gasp* get a serious illness and have some shady Insurance company deny your rights to see a doctor.  If you have a healthcare plan that you like, you’ll be able to keep it.  It’s just that simple.  And here’s another shocker for you – government-run programs like Medicare don’t deny their patients the rights to coverage, so maybe this whole thing won’t be that bad after all.

This bill is going to increase the deficit significantly!  It’s so wasteful!!

Shut the hell up.  I didn’t hear you waxing indignant about wasteful spending when “W” was dropping craploads of dollars on the war in Iraq.  You’re cool with spending over $2 trillion (that’s trillion with a “T”) on a meaningless war that only resulted in putting thousands of our young men and women in pine boxes, but you’re bitching about spending money to provide healthcare for all of our citizens.  Yeah, because that makes sooooo much sense.  Stop acting like you care about government spending, because you don’t.  You’re just getting frothy at the mouth because Limbaugh and other conservatives are telling you to.  At least this plan will help to save lives of Americans instead of taking them.

Republicans are a really funny group of people.  When things don’t work out in their favor, they’ll bitch and moan about it but not offer a better solution.  Take this conversation I had with a Republican friend a few hours ago:

FRIEND: I can’t believe this healthcare Bill is going to pass.  There goes the neighborhood.

ME: What do you mean by that? (knowing full well what he meant, of course)

FRIEND: It’s just a matter of time before your boy Obama passes some legislation to tell me what to think.

ME: That would be a vast improvement, because you’re not doing such a great job on your own.

FRIEND: F*ck you, Trey.  This plan sucks, and even you know it.

ME: Do you have a better idea?  Clearly the system we have in place now isn’t working. 

FRIEND: That’s not the point.

ME: Actually, it is the point.  How old are you?  3? Instead of whining like a damn pissy-pants toddler, why not come to the table with some fresh ideas for once?

FRIEND: Irregardless – fresh ideas or not, it’s the same difference.

ME: You realize that “irregardless” isn’t a word and “same difference” makes no sense, right?

***awkward silence***

FRIEND: You’re not going to post this conversation in your column, are you?

ME: Who me? Of course not. 

So, is this new healthcare plan perfect?  No.  Was a major change needed from our current system?  Absolutely.  It finally looks as if we’ll get that – and I’m happy about it.

To be quite honest – what I’m the most concerned about is the overt racism and homophobic behavior of the Republican base during their rallies against healthcare.  I saw one sign that read “If Brown can’t do the job, maybe Browning can.” For those of you who don’t understand, let me translate this for you: “Since Scott Brown’s election in Massachusetts couldn’t derail healthcare reform, maybe a gun (Browning) can.”  Yeah, because murdering the President will solve everything (obvious sarcasm, by the way).  Elsewhere, members of the Congressional Black Caucus were getting spit on and endured countless N-bombs being dropped on their heads, while Barney Frank had to listen to anti-gay remarks.  Why?  Because they support healthcare for all Americans?  What sense does that make?  If you’re a Republican reading this, how could you hold your head up high knowing that these knuckleheads are the foundation of your party?  I’m embarrassed for all of you.

I could go on for days about this, but I’m too busy watching Erin Andrews and Nicole Scherzinger shake their asses on Dancing With the Stars.  You know what’s good about this?  Under the new healthcare plan, I know that I could see a doctor once wifey breaks a wine bottle over my head for incessantly stating how hot these broads are, and if you’re uninsured – so could you.  It’s a win-win for everyone.  For the rest of you who are pissed by this, you won’t need any insurance to grab a seat on the waaaaaaaaaaaaambulance.  Let me know how that works out for you.

I wasn’t a journalism major in college, but I know enough about the field to understand that the purpose of a press conference is to learn something that we didn’t already know beforehand.  I didn’t learn sh*t about Tiger today other than the fact that he’s a terrible public speaker and that his thinning hair is really quite distracting. 

Let’s talk about what we do know about you, Mr. Woods: We all know that you’re an entitled scumbag who loves to chase tail (regardless of whether some of those “tails” should be attached to dogs or some form of livestock.  Seriously – some of those chicks you allegedly slept with are, um…questionable, at best), we also know that you’re sorry about how this affected your family, friends, business partners, and fans.  What we still don’t know are a few things:

Why didn’t you man-up and allow people to ask questions?  Not a good look, Tiger.  Before I get to that, let me first address the few of you who think he’s a punk for reading a prepared statement on the air.  Not true.  Sure, he’s a punk – but not for that reason.  Unless you’re Martin Luther King, Jr., there is not one person on the planet who wouldn’t read from a prepared statement; especially if that statement happened to be part of the biggest press conference of your life.  I’ll cut him some slack for that…I don’t think any reasonable person could expect him to freestyle on that one.

However, not taking questions is a bitch move if I’ve ever seen one.  All we want from this fool is some level of accountability – and nothing says accountability less, than filling the room with handpicked friends, family members, and enablers who weren’t allowed to probe for answers.  Say what you want about Kobe Bryant, but at least he had the balls to confront the media after his scandal – a scandal that could’ve landed him in jail for a significant period of time.  The ironic thing here is that Tiger wants closure, but that will never come until he faces the media and answers their tough questions.  All this press conference accomplished was to piss the media off even more, which will make them come even harder at him when they finally get their day to ask questions. 

What does your “sex addiction” entail?  Seriously, who the f*ck isn’t addicted to sex?  Anybody?  Has anyone ever tried sex and said, “Yeah, I can probably do without that,” or “That was cool to try once, but it’s really not for me”? We are ALL addicted sex!  Spare me your “you’re-wrong-Trey!-Sex-addiction-is-really-serious” emails.  Hell yeah it is, and my wife is going to find out how serious my sex addiction is as soon as I’m done posting this damn column.

Why are you angry at the media?  I actually laughed out loud when Tiger tried to be hard and stared into the camera to say, “Leave my wife and kids alone!”  Do you think that TMZ and other paparazzi give a f*ck about what you think?  They feed their families by taking pictures of your family.  I’m not going to say it’s right, but that’s just the way it is, so you might as well get used to it.  I will say that they wouldn’t care nearly as much about you if you weren’t busy placing your Driver into the golf bags of random chicks.  It’s your own fault, bro.  The true victims here are your wife and kids who have to suffer due to your stupidity.

Why the hell are you so entitled?  Actually, I know the answer to that one.  It’s because of fans like me who used to wash his testicles every time he won a golf tournament.  Speaking of entitlement, he said in part that he gave into the temptation because “he worked so hard.” Really?  I’d love to see how that would fly if any of us pulled that out on our wives…

**your wife walks in to see you on top of a random naked woman**

YOUR WIFE: What the hell is going on here??  Who is this woman??

YOU:  Chill out.  It’s Stephanie, my secretary. 

YOUR WIFE:  I can’t believe you’re cheating on me, you bastard!!

YOU: Will you get a grip?? I’ve been working 10 hour days, and my boss has been riding me harder than I’m about to ride Stephanie right now.  I think it makes sense that I would look for a little action on the side, don’t you?

YOUR WIFE:  Yeah, on second thought – I guess you’re right. 

**awkward silence**

YOUR WIFE:  Can I join you guys?

YOU:  Sure, why not?

The chances of this conversation happening are about as slim as a crackhead’s waistline.  We ALL work hard, douchebag – but it doesn’t give you the right to bang porn stars and other assorted skanks.  Stop saying stupid sh*t.

Maybe I’m crazy, but this is what I was hoping for during the press conference…….

**Tiger walks in wearing all black warmup pants, a black wife-beater tanktop, shades, and a cool-ass goatee**

TIGER: Hello. Let me start by saying I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for getting married in the first place…that was by far my biggest mistake.  I also feel sorry for all of my fans.  Even in my darkest hour, I’ll make more money than 95% of them will make in a year.  Sure, some of my fans will say that they hate me and that I’m a douchebag, but I’m a billionaire who plays a game for a living.  Most of them are just corporate stiffs who are lucky to make $50,000/yr in jobs that they hate…but that’s only if they actually have jobs.  The economy is only bad for poor people – and I ain’t poor, baby. 

**The crowd sits in stunned silence**

TIGER: Is this thing on? Good.  So let’s talk about the women I banged.  Bitches!!  Get out here!!

**A parade of skanks walk onto the stage all wearing nothing but long red Nike collared shirts (that look like short skirts) and high heels**

TIGER: Damn, my penis hurts just thinking about how many times I’ve had sex with these broads.  By the way, are there any representatives from Trojan condoms in the house? I could really use an endorsement deal right about now. 

**More stunned silence**

TIGER: Well, do you have any questions for me?  I’m about to have some wild gorilla sex with these women, and this press conference is really messing up my flow.  Ya dig?

REPORTER: Tiger, you’re really coming off as quite the scumbag right now. Aren’t you worried about your public image?

TIGER: No, because Americans are stupid and they’ll forget all about this once I win a few golf tournaments.  Next question.

REPORTER: Do you think you’re a role-model?

TIGER: To pimps all over the world, yes.  Next question.

REPORTER: What do you have to say to the people who looked up to you?

TIGER: Two words: Prenup.  Oh wait, that’s one word.  Anything else?

REPORTER: I think that covers it.

TIGER: Good.  I’d like to end this press conference by quoting The Dave Chappelle Show: “I’m still rich, biaaaaaaaatch!”  See ya on the golf course.

OK, I am crazy – but words cannot describe how badly I wanted something like this to happen.  Instead we were treated to that snooze-fest that really didn’t tell us anything.

I’ve stated many times before that Tiger was my favorite athlete ever (prior to the scandal); however, there are a few of my buddies who think that my opinion of him shouldn’t change.  They believe that everyone should get off Tiger’s back because what he does with his own time is between him and his family.  To an extent, that’s true – but I have a problem with anyone who isn’t real.  I don’t care if he’s a scumbag and wants to cheat on his wife – but I do care about the fact that his public persona is a complete 180 degree contrast from what he’s like behind closed doors.  The reason why I respect Mike Tyson is because he was a crazy mother*cker and that didn’t change whether a camera was in front of him or not.  On the other hand, Tiger acts like Mother Teresa one day and Godfather Pimp the next.  Fans like me feel duped by this clown, because we thought he could be a positive role model to kids and to the African-American community as a whole.  I just think it’s a shame that there will be a lot of teenagers who will think that it’s OK to be promiscuous and a bad husband just as long as you can swing a golf club, dunk a basketball, or catch a football. 

In closing, there are so many other things to say about this press conference that I’m going to leave on the table (i.e. His embrace of Buddhism, his terrible wardrobe choice, the look on his mother’s face that basically said, “As-an-Asian-mother-I-despise-being-humiliated-like-this-and-I-want-to-kill-you,” etc.), but I’d have to separate this post into chapters if I did that.  The bottom line is that he looked very uncomfortable, and I think that he’ll become even more uncomfortable until he decides to finally face the music and answer some really tough questions about what he did. 

But honestly – I really couldn’t care less about all of this, because I’m about to take care of my sex addiction right now.  I don’t think I need to tell you how that will work out for me.

I want to thank all of you for making the Trey Say advice column what it is today.  Keep spreading the word to your friends, continue to post the link on your Facebook pages and to suggest the Facebook fan page to your contacts.  With your help, this site will continue to be the greatest advice blog in the world (well, at least it is in my eyes).

Share your thoughts below and let me know what you liked or didn’t like about the first 100 posts.  Thanks again, and cheers to another 100 posts that are funnier, edgier, and crazier than the last 100!