I remember when I was about 10 years old, I questioned my parents about everything…including Santa.  Here’s an example of a conversation I had with my Mom when I was a kid.

ME: ”Mom, do you love me?”

MOM: ”Of course I do, honey! Why would you ask such a silly thing?”

ME: ”I guess it’s because of the whole Santa Claus thing.  I don’t understand it.”

MOM: ”What are you talking about?”

ME: ”Well, he’s an old, fat, white man who gets his jollies from having children sit on his lap, and he tempts them with toys and candy.  Isn’t that wrong?”

MOM: ”Um…well, I…”

ME: ”Didn’t you tell me to watch out for old white men because they are pedio…peda…um…”

MOM: ”Pedophiles.  Yes, I did, but…”

ME: ”So why would you want me to sit on the lap of a pedophile, Mom?”

MOM: ”Santa isn’t a pedophile, Trey.  He loves children.”

ME: ”I’m sure he loves children, and that’s the problem.  What aren’t you understanding here, Mom?  He’s creepy.”

***Mom rolls her eyes and walks away***

ME: ”Mom, I’m not done.”

MOM: ”What else, Trey?”

ME: ”How does Santa get away with breaking into peoples’ homes?”

MOM: ”It’s not breaking and entering…we want him to come in and greet us.”

ME: ”Mom, if a white man broke into a house in Compton, he’d be greeted by Smith & Wesson.”

MOM: ”Yeah that’s probably true, but Christmas is an exception.  Speaking of which, you should be happy that you have a family that celebrates Christmas.  The Horowitzstein family down the road doesn’t celebrate it at all…maybe I should send you to stay with them.”

ME: ”That would be great.  They celebrate Hanukkah, so that means 7 days of presents instead of getting one lame gift.  They drive a nicer car than you and they have a much bigger house, so that would be fun.  The only thing that would suck is that they eat lots of bagels.  I don’t like bagels.”

**Awkward silence**

ME: ”Besides, I wouldn’t have to see that podo…pupu…um…”

MOM: ”Pedophile.  And Santa isn’t one!”

ME: ”Also, why isn’t Santa black?”

MOM: ”Because he’s white, Trey!” **Mom is clearly becoming exasperated at this point**

ME: ”Well you keep telling me that black men are better athletes than white men, right?”

MOM: ”Um, I don’t remember telling you that, but what’s your point?”

ME: ”So how could a fat, out-of-shape, old white man visit every home on the planet and lift thousands of heavy presents between midnight and 6 AM on Christmas morning?  It’s impossible.”

**More awkward silence**

ME: ”You know Jerome who lives in the crappy apartment complex down the street?  He’s big, fast, and strong.  Didn’t he play football and basketball in college?  He could probably lift and deliver all of the presents on-time.  I’m sure working as Santa would pay more than his job selling ‘white lady dust.’”

MOM: ”‘White lady dust’??  Do you mean cocaine??”

ME: ”Who knows?  He just said if I tried some, my wee-wee would grow much bigger and girls would love me.”

MOM: ”Oh my goodness…my boy used drugs. I’ve failed.”

ME: ”Don’t worry, Mom.  I told him that my wee-wee is really big and I don’t need any help with that.”

MOM: ”Thank God.”

ME: ”Yeah, I like my wee-wee.”

MOM: ”That’s not what I meant.  So do you have any other questions?”

ME: ”No, I think I’m good, Mom.”

MOM: ”Good…I need to make dinner.”

ME: ”Mom?”

MOM: ”What, Trey?”

ME: ”Is the Tooth Fairy gay?”

This line of questioning continued for at least an hour before my mom grounded me and put a lump of coal in my stocking.  You see – Christmas helped to shape me into the crazy man I am today.  Take a moment to think of your best Christmas memories while you spend time with your loved ones this holiday season.  Or you can just share this story with your friends on Facebook and direct them to “Like” my advice column…I’m cool with that, too.  In any case, let me know how that works out for you.  I’ll see you guys in 2012!

1) I’m thankful for the fact that I look and feel better now than I did in High School.  I say this because many of you are in your hometowns right now, and you probably met up with your High School friends for some drinks to remember the good ol’ days.  There is not one of you reading this who didn’t have the “stud athlete” or the “hot chick” in your High School, only to bump into them years later to find out that they’re not nearly as cool/hot as they used to be.  Take this exchange that I had with “the stud High School basketball star” when I went to my hometown a few years ago:

ME: “Hey man, what’s up?  How’s life treating you?”

STUD ATHLETE: “Not bad.  What are you up to these days?”

ME: “Oh, I’m a world-class advice columnist, have a great wife, live in a beautiful condo in the Westside of Los Angeles, and I’m very happy.  What about you?”

STUD ATHLETE: “Yeah, I’m working.”

ME: “Working?  What does that…”

STUD ATHLETE: “Um…excuse me for a second.”

***Stud athlete tries to walk away, but is stopped by a random dude***

RANDOM DUDE: “Hey, why aren’t you at work??”

STUD ATHLETE: “Uh, um…I didn’t know I had to work today, sir.”

RANDOM DUDE: “I don’t want to hear excuses!  All I know is that all of the bathrooms better be spotless by 6AM tomorrow morning, and those toilets better be cleaned to the point that I can lick them and enjoy the taste.  You understand??”

STUD ATHLETE: “Yes sir.”

***Random dude walks away***

ME: “What the hell was that all about?  Are you a janitor??”

STUD ATHLETE: “Actually, I’m a Custodial Engineer.”

ME: “What happened to you?  You were the coolest kid in High School, chicks loved you, and you had dreams of playing basketball professionally.  Now you’re a fat janitor.”

STUD ATHLETE: “Custodial Engineer!”

ME: “Whatever.”

STUD ATHLETE: “I just want to have one month where I don’t have to suck dick for extra money to pay rent.  It’s just not my thing, you know?”

ME: “Say what??”

STUD ATHLETE: “My job doesn’t pay very well, so I have make money on the side.  Swallowing and cuddling is an extra charge, but I’m totally not gay.”

ME: “OK…”

***Awkward silence***

STUD ATHLETE: “So, I don’t know what you’re doing later, but…”

ME: “I will fight you, dog.”

STUD ATHLETE: “Can I at least borrow $20?”

Anyway, I’m very thankful that I didn’t experience the peak of my success in life as 17-year old like that fool did.

2) I’m thankful that I’m not single.  Maybe this is not the case in other cities, but most (not all) of the 30+ year old single women in LA are either certifiably insane, have VD, have 3 kids, or would never consider dating you unless you make over $500K/yr.  I’m thankful to have a wonderful wife who loves me, although she hates my advice column for some reason (can you imagine that??  She’ll come around eventually).

3) I’m thankful that I don’t have a small penis.  I don’t have anything clever or funny to say about this.

4) I’m thankful that I’m not a short dude.  I’m not trying to hate on my vertically-challenged male readers, but damn it must suck to be you.  If you ask a chick what she looks for in a man (physically), one of the first things she’ll say is that he has to be over 6′ tall.  Whenever I see a short dude in LA with a hot chick, I know that he’s rich or influential in Hollywood – because that girl would NEVER date that guy if he was a Joe Schmoe with a corporate job.  Being 6’2 has its benefits.

5) I’m thankful for the fact that I’m in a financial situation where I would never consider being near a shopping mall for those door-buster deals on Friday.  Listen, I know that things are tough financially for many folks these days – but sitting outside of a Best Buy at Midnight on Thanksgiving night just so you can fight a group of losers to buy a flatscreen TV for $199 instead of $499 is the height of insanity to me.  Seriously, are these people factoring in the $500 Emergency Room visit fee they’ll have to pay once they break a bone wrestling for said $199 flatscreen TV?  Even if Best Buy was offering those flatscreens for $1, I still wouldn’t participate in that nonsense.

Also, I don’t know why they call it “Black Friday, ” either.  You’re telling me that Mexicans and penny-pinching Jews don’t like a good deal, too?  Riiiiight, and I’m Tito Jackson.  Enough with the “Black Friday” crap.

6) I’m thankful for douchebags, losers, skanks, and whores.  Why?  Let me explain.  Remember the last Batman movie, The Dark Knight?  Batman asked the Joker why he’s trying to kill him.  The Joker responded by saying,”Kill you??  I need you!  Without Batman there is no Joker.  You complete me!”  That’s similar to what I’m experiencing here.  Would the world be a better place without douchebags, losers, skanks, and whores?  Possibly, but it would not be a better world for me.  Without them, there is no Trey Say advice column - and quite frankly, that’s not a world that I would choose to live in.   Would you?  That’s what I thought.

7) Last but not least, I’m thankful for all of my fans of this advice column.  Sure, I can be offensive, brash, and crude, but the fact that you all keep coming back to support me proves that you accept me for who I am, and you accept this column for what it is.  All jokes aside – I appreciate all of you for providing me with an outlet to share my craziness with the world.

So eat some turkey today, watch some football, hug a loved one, and remember what you’re thankful for.

Let me know how that works out for you.

On second thought – don’t.  I’ll be too busy eating and sleeping.

I’m pretty certain that nobody feels worse about her mistake than Christina does, and the fact that people are piling on her is an absolute embarrassment. Here’s a sampling of what I’ve heard since yesterday.

Person #1: She does this for a living! There is no excuse for her to mess up!; Really? So, I guess you’ve never made a mistake at your job before, right? The only difference is that nobody gives a sh*t if you mess up at your anonymous $40,000/yr job except for you and your boss. I don’t care if she sings in front of sold out arenas for a living, the girl isn’t a robot. Mistakes happen, and unfortunately her mistake happened in front of the largest television viewing audience of the year. Cut her some slack, and make sure that you get that weekly marketing report out on-time, Mr. Perfect.

Person #2: It disgusts me that someone could sing this sacred song incorrectly; Get a grip. Should we “deport” her? (which I’ve heard from people even though she’s American) Send her to Guantanamo? It’s a song, people! Yes, it’s an important song – but save your Uncle Sam impersonation for your next Gun Club meeting. Anyone with half a brain understands that mistakes happen. See Person #1.

Person #3: What do you expect from someone like that? That’s why they need to have a Country star sing the Anthem: Translated: “What do you expect when you have one of those brown people sing? We need to have an All-American girl like Carrie Underwood sing it.” It’s hard to take this person seriously because obviously he’s a racist, but I’ve heard people say this a lot in the past 12 hours. I guess “brown folks” are just too stupid to sing this song correctly. Also, Christina is hardly “brown” to begin with.  Her dad is from Ecuador and her mom is white; however, since she has a Latin last name – she’s fair game for the mouth-breathing rednecks of the world. I have nothing else to say about this person.

Person #4: She should be banned from singing the National Anthem for life: Right. Just like you should be banned from dating women for the rest of your life because you were dumb enough to talk about the “wonders” of barnyard animal porn during a first date. How stupid are you? Anyway, if anyone should be banned from signing the Anthem, it should be people like Carl Lewis and Roseanne Barr who made a mockery of it during sporting events – not someone who made an honest mistake and feels terrible about it.

Person #5: I used to like Christina before this, and now I can’t stand her: Shut up. If that’s how you feel then you never liked her in the first place. You’re just a jealous hater who happens to be pissed off about the fact that she made more money in one minute and 55 seconds signing that Anthem than you will make in 2 1/2 years of working at your office job.

In closing, this is just another sad example of the fact that a lot of Americans are happiest when successful people fail or make mistakes. I (thankfully) am not one of them. I personally applaud people like Christina who have the guts to get in front of 100,000 people in a stadium (and over 100 million watching on TV) and sing a very difficult song. Hopefully you agree with me, but if you don’t – then I suggest you take a look at your life and the mistakes you’ve made before you start judging others. Let me know how that works out for you.View This Poll

DEGENERATE GAMBLING GUY: He’s the idiot who bets his rent check on stupid proposition bets like the coin toss, which team will score first, the color of the Gatorade to be dumped on the winning coach’s head, etc. For example, there is a prop bet that asks people to determine if Christina Aguliera’s version of the National Anthem will be under/over one minute and 56 seconds. Seriously? Who the hell would drop coin on this foolishness? Oh, I know – Degenerate Gambling Guy, that’s who. If you hear a guy yell “YESSSS!!” or “F*CK!!” during what seems like a meaningless juncture in the game, it’s probably because you invited him to your party. And by the way, you should take the “over” on that Christina bet.

ARTSY PANSY GUY: This guy would rather discuss the acting performance of Natalie Portman in Black Swan than lowering himself to watching football with a bunch of meatheads. However, since he’s watched every Oscar nominated movie five times, he figured that he’d go to the party just to make fun of people who aren’t as worldly as he is. Keep in mind, his only interest in “The Packers” or “Tight Ends” is during one of his typical, um…male bonding session on Friday nights – so don’t try to start up a football conversation with him. He’ll just sigh, roll his eyes, and make comments under his breath about how stupid people are who actually like sports. The good news is that if you don’t serve fancy wine or have copies of Entertainment Weekly readily available for him to read, he’ll probably leave before halftime.

“I KNOW FOOTBALL” GIRL: She’s chubby, relatively unattractive, and (you guessed it) single. Her only motivation to attend your party is to impress dudes with her football acumen and hopefully leave the party with a date. The unfortunate thing is that guys don’t give a sh*t if a chick knows her football if she looks like should could play linebacker in the game. She needs to mix in a salad and a few more hours on the stairmaster, and maybe she’ll get a man’s attention. Otherwise, she better hope that one of the guys get drunk…really drunk.

“I DON’T KNOW FOOTBALL” GIRL: She doesn’t know the difference between a Tailback and a Touchback, and she’ll usually sit on the couch and say stupid sh*t like “I thought Brett Favre played for the Packers” or “How many quarters are in a football game?” The only reason why she’s tolerated is because she’s usually pretty hot and almost more fun to look at than the game itself. If only she could keep her mouth shut…

“SHUT THE F*CK UP!” GUY: This guy is really intense. You’d think his life is riding on every play, and if you dare to speak during game action, he will get in your face and probably fight you. You’d think that he’d be happiest watching the game alone, but instead he’ll go to your party where 30 people are socializing and ruin the event for everyone. It doesn’t matter if it’s the coin flip, the post-game handshakes, or anything in between – he will yell “SHUT THE F*CK UP!” to everyone in the room if it’s not quiet enough to hear an insect’s heart beating. He will probably kill the “I don’t know football girl”  or the “Artsy pansy guy”, so I’d suggest not inviting at least one of them unless you enjoy completing police reports.

Sure, there are others like “I ONLY CAME FOR THE FOOD GUY” or “I ONLY ENJOY THE COMMERCIALS GUY,” but both of them are harmless and will probably not impact your party for better or for worse. So anyway, if you plan to invite one of those aforementioned people to your party, let me know how that works out for you. And for Degenerate Gambling Guy, my prediction is that the Packers win a close game over the Steelers (24-20). Enjoy the game!View This Poll