This question comes from Julie in upstate NY.  She writes,

QUESTION: I have a dilemma on my hands. I’m 22, and will be graduating college next week. I have two job offers on the table, one is in Los Angeles and the other one is in Boston. They both pay the same salary, but I don’t know what to do.  Should I move to Boston where all of my friends and family are (but the weather is super cold)? Or should I move to LA where I don’t know anyone, but the weather is great?  I’m also single and would like to move to the city that has the best men to choose from.  What should I do?

TREY SAY: So you’re a single chick who’s trying to decide between Boston and LA? Well, you came to the right person because I’m very familiar with Massachusetts and I currently live in LA.  Let’s weigh the pros and cons of each city and see what we come up with.

Let’s start with the climate. LA kills it with 75 degrees and sunny weather every day.  What’s the temperature in Boston for most of the year?  Negative umpteen degrees?   No contest.   Score 1-0 in favor of Los Angeles.  

What about the quality of living? It takes about two hours to travel ten miles in LA, the air quality is absolutely terrible, and it costs about $800,000 to buy a 700 square foot, 1-bedroom condo – so it looks like Boston wins that one.  The score is now tied at 1-1. Let’s move on to the tiebreaker, which will be the quality of men in each city.

Let’s start with Beantown:  Boston is a great city for single women, but only if you’re into chubby 5’8 white dudes.  Seriously, don’t all of the guys in Boston look exactly the same?  Cheap Jeans, ratty sneakers, Red Sox T-Shirt, and a dirty Red Sox cap.  Don’t get me started on how they talk.  I can see your first dinner date right now:

YOU: “I don’t know what should I eat…the prime rib looks really good.”

BOSTON GUY:  “You know what I want? Another Sam Adams! AAAAAHHH! I’m about to go to the baaaaaaah and get one. They’re wicked good! AAAAAHHHH!”

YOU: “Um…OK, I think I’ll go with the prime rib, maybe with a side of…”

BOSTON GUY: “What’s your take on the Sawks chances to win the Pennant this year?  I’m so excited for this season that I’d suck off all of the players if they were here right now!  AAAAAHHHH!!  No Homo, though.  AAAAHHH!!!  Go Sawks!!  AAAHHH!!”

YOU: “What the hell? Are you high?”

BOSTON GUY: “Hey, let’s ditch this spawt, and head to Cambridge to beat up some preppies at Haaaahvaaard Yaaaaaahhhd! AAAAHHHH!”

YOU: “Check, please.”

Unfortunately for you, LA dudes aren’t much better. They might not be the same as “Boston Guy,” but they most certainly have their own look. Designer ripped jeans that cost about $500, flip-flops, the extra-medium (or “Smedium,” if you will) designer T-Shirt that costs another $150 (Editor’s note: in many cases, the extra-medium designer T-Shirt can be replaced with a “Tapout” or “Affliction” T-Shirt, which is a sure sign that he’s a closet homosexual) and of course, you can’t forget the sunglasses indoors.  I can see your first dinner date with him, too.

YOU: “Wow, the vodka tonics here are amazing.  I’m going to order another one, but I don’t know what I should eat for dinner…the seafood combo looks really good.”

LA GUY: “You know what looks really good? The combo of my ripped abs, and my smile that’s brighter than a million exploding suns. I worked out at Equinox this morning and saw Brad and Angie there. They wanted me to audition for their upcoming film, but I don’t think that I’ll do it. I have too many other projects to work on.”

YOU: “Um…OK, I think I’ll go with the seafood combo, maybe with a side of…”

LA GUY: “My agent says that I’m a lock to have a photo spread in GQ Magazine next month, but I don’t think that I’ll do it. I have too many other projects to…”

WAITER: “Excuse me, sir. Did you drive a black Mercedes here this evening?”

LA GUY: “Yeah, why?”

WAITER: “The Rental Car company tracked you here and will need to take the car back immediately due to your credit card being declined. They said that there is a 1997 Honda Civic on their lot that you should be able to afford instead. By the way, why are you wearing sunglasses right now? It’s 9 pm and it’s pitch black in here.”

LA GUY: ***takes off his shades***

WAITER: “John?? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be working the night-shift with me here tonight? Why is the reservation under the name “Vincent Van Diego”? Your name is John Schebelstob, and you live at home with your parents.”

LA GUY: “Sorry Garcon, you must have me confused with somebody else.”

WAITER: “Garcon?? This isn’t ‘Dolce,’ fool.  It’s Red Lobster. The only reason why you’re here is because you get an employee discount.  I’m going to charge you full price for the drinks that you ordered, and don’t expect any discounts on your meal, either.”

YOU: “Check, please.”

LA GUY: “Would you mind paying for the drinks? I don’t think that I can do it. All of my money is tied up in a project that I’m working on.”

My dear Julie, here’s your dilemma:  Boston guys aren’t very good-looking, and they’re pretty dumb – but at least they are true to themselves.  LA has some good-looking dudes, but they lie about everything and are complete losers.  So, what should you choose?  Go to New York City…duh.  Let me know how that works out for you.