This question comes from Rich in San Diego. He writes,

QUESTION:  There is a dude at my gym who always wears a Bluetooth earpiece AND sunglasses while he’s working out.  He is a complete douchebag and tries to act really important. For example, last week he said, “Yeah baby! Looks like we just closed another $100,000 deal!  Woot!  Woot!” I plan to kick his ass the next time we cross paths, and I’m asking you to change my mind.  Go for it.

TREY SAY: Yeah, Rich…I don’t plan to (or want to) change your mind on this.  Please let me make something perfectly clear to all of my readers:  You should NEVER wear a Bluetooth earpiece anywhere outside of your car.  Not to the mall, not at dinner, not at the supermarket, not at home, and definitely not at the gym. If you wear an earpiece at any one of the aforementioned places, you are a loser.  Period.  Anyway, let’s begin with your action plan.

The first thing you’ll need to do is become friends with this clown.  Just wait for him to have a conversation on his Bluetooth about how much money he makes…once he finishes, follow this script:

YOU: Hey, you sound like a successful business man, is that true?

HIM: Possibly…why are you asking?

YOU: I work for Business Professional magazine, and I need to do a feature on successful businessmen.  Would you mind if we met and I took some photos of you for my magazine?

HIM: Sure, let’s set it up.

***Later on, you meet at his place to take the photos***

YOU: First, I want you to put on your Bluetooth headset and shades for me.  It helps to accentuate your successful vibe.

HIM: That’s cool…hey, what are you doing?

YOU: Nothing…I’m just putting up a map of the Middle-East.  Can you do me a favor and point to Afghanistan with one hand and give a thumbs-up with another?  That would be a great way to say that you’re taking over the world with your shrewd business acumen.

HIM: Yeah, no doubt bro.

***You take a picture***

YOU: Cool. Now I want you to point to California with one hand and give a thumbs-down with the other. This will show that your business plan is going to completely transform California from the boring state it is today.

HIM: Hell yeah! Woot! Woot!

***You take a picture***

YOU: Good, I also brought some other props for you.

***You pull out some fake dynamite ***

YOU: I want to take a picture of you next to this dynamite, because you’re da bomb, baby!

HIM: Word up! This is so hella cool…

***You take a picture***

YOU: OK, I think we’re done here.  I’ll be in touch once the article runs in the magazine.  It was a pleasure meeting you.

HIM: Yeah, I know it was.

The next step is to develop those pictures and send them to your local FBI agency.  Tell them that you’ve been monitoring a dude who is planning to blow up California as a part of a horrific terrorist plot.  The feds will instantly believe you because nobody else would wear shades and a stupid earpiece everywhere unless they were up to no good.  Tell them that you’re willing to be a part of an undercover sting operation to bring him down, if needed.  Since you contain a lot of intelligence about this terrorist, they’ll probably take you up on it.  Here’s how the sting will go down:

***You arrive in the FBI squad car to review a briefing with the agent***

FBI AGENT: Alright, you’re wired for sound.  Just be yourself…we need to get proof of his plot.

YOU: No problem.  All I know is that he says “Woot! Woot!” to communicate with other terrorists across California.

FBI AGENT: Good luck.

***You arrive at the man’s door***

YOU: Hey dude, can I come in?

HIM: Sure…so what brings you by?

YOU: I just wanted to get a statement from you based on our recent conversation.  So what are your goals, again?

HIM: I’m going to take over the world.  I’m going to start by blowin’ up in California, baby!  Woot! Woot!

YOU: I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that.

***You tackle the dude and beat the crap out of him while the FBI comes in and puts him in handcuffs***

HIM: What the hell is going on here?  Why is the FBI here??

FBI AGENT: You have the right to remain silent…anything that you say can be used against you in a court of law…

YOU: Sorry for attacking him, but I just couldn’t let him do that to our country.

FBI AGENT: Don’t apologize.  You’re a national hero for this and Uncle Sam will probably give you a hefty award for your service.

So let’s recap: Not only were you able to kick this guy’s ass for being a douchebag, but you’ll also receive the following perks:

1) You will be widely recognized as an American hero, and you will never have to pay for a meal or adult beverage anywhere in America for the rest of your life.

2) You will make tons of money on the talk show circuit.

3) The line of hot chicks wanting to sleep with you will be extremely long. 

Meanwhile, this clown will spend the remainder of his days getting waterboarded in the “Bay,” which is a punishment that hardly covers his crimes for wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and sunglasses at the gym. Yeah, I know what some of you are thinking, “Trey, there is no way this could ever happen.” And to that I’d respond by saying, “Really?” How about you try wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and sunglasses at the gym tomorrow and watch how many random interview/photoshoot requests you receive because of this column you just read.  I’m that damn good, people.

Anyway, let me know how that works out for you.