This question comes from Shelly in Houston. She writes,

QUESTION: I have a 17 year old daughter, and yesterday I came home early from a business trip and walked in on her having sex with a 19 year old boy.  I’m mortified, and I don’t know what to do. All I know is that the moral fabric of our country has gone to hell ever since Obama came into office.  If Sarah Palin was president, my daughter would have someone to look up to and I wouldn’t have this problem.

TREY SAY: Shut up, stupid. So you’re blaming President Obama for the fact that your kid is sexually active? Interesting.  Let me play along with your flawed thinking for a moment: In your fantasy world, Sarah Palin would be President and your daughter’s loins would be as pure as the driven white snow, right? Let me refresh your memory – Sarah’s teenage daughter got knocked up by a scumbag redneck who was named after a pair of cheap jeans.  If you can’t trust that fool to manage the moral fabric of her own household, how the hell do you expect her to manage it for your family and the rest of America?  More importantly, you shouldn’t expect President Obama, Sarah Palin, or anyone else to raise your kids, because that’s your job. If you want your daughter to “look up” to someone, maybe she should start with the primary female figure in her life (yes, that would be you, champ).  Grow the hell up, and become a parent for crying out loud. 

Now, if you want advice on how to scare the living sh*t out of your kid, you came to the right dude.  The first thing you’d need to do is borrow one of my buddy’s kids.  Out of respect to my friend, I’m going to change the name of his child to “Rufus.”  Rufus is the most disrespectful and troublemaking 11 year old kid on the planet.  Let’s put it this way – if I had the choice to have wild circus sex with Beyonce every day for a month, or the opportunity to beat the living sh*t out of Rufus without the fear of going to jail – I’d take the latter in a heartbeat.  Anyway, my buddy would have no problem with you taking his bratty kid off of his hands for a few days, trust me.

That being said – here’s what you do.  Tell your skanky daughter that she has to babysit her “distant cousin, Rufus” while you’re away on business. You can justify it by saying that if she’s willing to have sex, she should be willing to deal with the potential consequences of being a parent – and babysitting the kid for a weekend will serve as her punishment.  Leave Rufus with your daughter and go to a place where you can relax for a couple of days.  Here’s how it will go down:

RUFUS: I’m hungry, when do we eat?

DAUGHTER:  You just ate 30 minutes ago…wait until dinner.

RUFUS: I thought bitches are only good for cooking and cleaning, and you’re not doing any of those things right now.

DAUGHTER: Whoa…who are you calling a bitch?

RUFUS:  Um…you.  Are you retarded too?

DAUGHTER: Look kid, you should never call someone retarded or a bitch. It’s extremely rude.

RUFUS: How about I call you a bitchy retard? Would that work for you?

***Your daughter’s blood begins to boil***

RUFUS: What’s the matter, chubby? Are you going to hit me? Go eat another piece of pie, fat ass. Just make sure that the crumbs don’t get stuck between one of your triple chins.

***Your daughter puts Rufus in a chokehold***

DAUGHTER: Listen up, you little piece of sh*t, I could snap your neck right now and make it look like an accident. You better shut the hell up and behave or I’ll make it a reality. Do you understand me??

RUFUS: I understand…please don’t hurt me.

DAUGHTER: Good. Now go to the guest room and don’t come out until I tell you to.

RUFUS: OK.

***Two hours pass, and your daughter checks on Rufus***

DAUGHTER: Rufus, have you seen my cell phone? I can’t seem to…wait, what the hell are you doing??

RUFUS:  I used your cell phone to take a video of your violent attack on me, and uploaded it to YouTube. 

DAUGHTER: I’m going to kill you…

***Your daughter snatches her cell phone from Rufus***

RUFUS: And by the way, I just texted every contact in your phone asking if anyone would like to “camp out in the ‘love cave’ between your legs.”

DAUGHTER:  What??

RUFUS: Don’t worry, you’ll get paid for it. I told them that you’re charging $20/hr.

***The doorbell rings***

RUFUS: I wonder who that could be?

***your daughter answers the door to find two guys with $20 bills***

GUY #1:  Hey, we heard that you’re charging dudes $20 to have sex with you, we’re in!

DAUGHTER: Get the f*ck out of here!

***A police officer walks up to the door***

DAUGHTER: How can I help you, Officer?

OFFICER: We received a complaint of violence against a minor and prostitution at this residence, ma’am.

DAUGHTER: That’s ridiculous. Nothing is going on here. 

OFFICER: So why are these two guys here with $20 bills?

DAUGHTER: It’s a long story, Officer…but nothing is going on.  Actually…

***Rufus walks to the door naked***

RUFUS: Please don’t force me to have sex with you again…I am slowly losing my innocence every time you make me “pet the kitty.”

OFFICER: Ma’am, you’re under arrest.

DAUGHTER:  He’s lying!! I haven’t done anything!

OFFICER: Tell it to the judge.

GUY #2: Eww…you’re having sex with a child! Wait ‘til we tell everyone in school about you!

From here, one of two things will happen: Your daughter would be hauled off to prison for the next 15 years, or she’d be so emotionally traumatized by Rufus that the fear of bearing children would stop her from having sex for at least the next 15 years.  Everybody wins.

Damn, I’m good.  Let me know how that works for you.