This question comes from Mike in Los Angeles.  He writes,

QUESTION:  I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 3 years now, and I never know what the hell she’s thinking.  For example, she asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day, and I said a gift card to Best Buy or Home Depot would be cool.  When I asked her the same question she replied, “I don’t really want anything this year.”  Did I just get off easy or is she sending me mixed signals?

TREY SAY: Well, why don’t you try “not” getting her a present and see how far that takes you.  At best it will take you to the doghouse, and at worst it will take you to the hospital.  Of course she’s sending you mixed signals, fool.  What broad doesn’t want a gift on Valentine’s Day?  Women are in constant competition with their friends to see whose man is the most thoughtful and generous.  Do you think she’d want to go to her Book Club and tell her friends that you didn’t give her anything while they’re flashing the ice and flowers given to them by their boyfriends/husbands/pool boys/pizza delivery men/sugar daddies/etc?  Of course not.  So come correct and buy your girl a gift.  If you really like her, you should drop a few Benjis on something really nice that she’ll always cherish.  If you don’t really like her, get her something small that can also help you to get laid.  A good example is the Sade CD.  I don’t know of one chick who wouldn’t drop her drawers within 30 seconds of hearing Sade sing, so it could be quite worth it for you.

I’ll let you all in on a little secret:  your favorite advice columnist is a brilliant dude.  OK, so maybe that’s not a secret – but the true secret is that I wasn’t always this way.  Most of my brilliance came to me the hard way by learning from my mistakes with women.  Let me share my insights about women and the mixed signals they send when they talk to men:

That’s OK:  To men, it means what it says.  For example, you could be at a bar and another guy accidentally bumps in you.  If he apologizes, you’ll respond by saying, “that’s OK” and all is good.  Women are different.  If you’re talking to a chick and she says, “that’s OK,” it really means she’s concocting an evil plan to make you pay for whatever you did (or didn’t do).  For example…

YOU:  Hey honey, I totally forgot that it was Valentine’s day today.  I’m sorry.

YOUR GIRL:  That’s OK.

WHAT SHE’S REALLY SAYING IS: “That’s OK. Your penis will never see the inside of my vagina, mouth, or ass (if she happens to roll freaky like that) for at least two months, I will nag you incessantly while your favorite sports team is playing, and I’ll make you watch Dear John with me after you take me shopping for a gift that will be ten times more expensive than the gift you should’ve given me in the first place.”

Nevermind, I’ll handle it: If your woman says this to you, it means you’re either too lazy or too stupid to realize that she needs help, and she’ll also find a way to make you pay for it in the immediate future.  For example…

YOU:  Honey, what are you doing?  Are you trying to configure our new computer to print wirelessly?

YOUR GIRL:  Yep.

YOU:  Need any help?

YOUR GIRL:  Nevermind, I’ll handle it.

WHAT SHE’S REALLY SAYING IS: “Nevermind, I’ll handle it.  Just like I handle my vibrator every night because you’re not man enough to satisfy me sexually.  This is just another example of why I’m so happy to be banging our young gardener Juan Pablo Martinez every Tuesday.  The big difference between you two is that your penis is 3 inches long, and his penis hangs 3 inches away from the floor.  I hate you, you punk ass bitch.”

Nothing: If your woman says this to you, that means there is a problem – and you better find a way to make it right or else your night will be miserable.  For example…

YOU: Hey Honey, what’s wrong?

YOUR GIRL: Nothing.

YOU: Cool, I was just checking.

**awkward silence**

YOU: So, what are you cooking for dinner tonight?

That conversation could get you killed.  Instead, break out your plastic and take her shopping.  That usually will fix the problem.

In closing, Mike – you’re going to need to buy your girl a gift.  If you don’t, then you’ll be single very quickly and you won’t have to worry about this problem next year.  Let me know how that works out for you.