TREY SAY:  This is it!  The Tiger Woods press conference we’ve been waiting for! Three long months of anticipation all for…………………………this?  Wow, talk about a letdown.  Here are my thoughts on it.

I wasn’t a journalism major in college, but I know enough about the field to understand that the purpose of a press conference is to learn something that we didn’t already know beforehand.  I didn’t learn sh*t about Tiger today other than the fact that he’s a terrible public speaker and that his thinning hair is really quite distracting. 

Let’s talk about what we do know about you, Mr. Woods: We all know that you’re an entitled scumbag who loves to chase tail (regardless of whether some of those “tails” should be attached to dogs or some form of livestock.  Seriously – some of those chicks you allegedly slept with are, um…questionable, at best), we also know that you’re sorry about how this affected your family, friends, business partners, and fans.  What we still don’t know are a few things:

Why didn’t you man-up and allow people to ask questions?  Not a good look, Tiger.  Before I get to that, let me first address the few of you who think he’s a punk for reading a prepared statement on the air.  Not true.  Sure, he’s a punk – but not for that reason.  Unless you’re Martin Luther King, Jr., there is not one person on the planet who wouldn’t read from a prepared statement; especially if that statement happened to be part of the biggest press conference of your life.  I’ll cut him some slack for that…I don’t think any reasonable person could expect him to freestyle on that one.

However, not taking questions is a bitch move if I’ve ever seen one.  All we want from this fool is some level of accountability – and nothing says accountability less, than filling the room with handpicked friends, family members, and enablers who weren’t allowed to probe for answers.  Say what you want about Kobe Bryant, but at least he had the balls to confront the media after his scandal – a scandal that could’ve landed him in jail for a significant period of time.  The ironic thing here is that Tiger wants closure, but that will never come until he faces the media and answers their tough questions.  All this press conference accomplished was to piss the media off even more, which will make them come even harder at him when they finally get their day to ask questions. 

What does your “sex addiction” entail?  Seriously, who the f*ck isn’t addicted to sex?  Anybody?  Has anyone ever tried sex and said, “Yeah, I can probably do without that,” or “That was cool to try once, but it’s really not for me”? We are ALL addicted sex!  Spare me your “you’re-wrong-Trey!-Sex-addiction-is-really-serious” emails.  Hell yeah it is, and my wife is going to find out how serious my sex addiction is as soon as I’m done posting this damn column.

Why are you angry at the media?  I actually laughed out loud when Tiger tried to be hard and stared into the camera to say, “Leave my wife and kids alone!”  Do you think that TMZ and other paparazzi give a f*ck about what you think?  They feed their families by taking pictures of your family.  I’m not going to say it’s right, but that’s just the way it is, so you might as well get used to it.  I will say that they wouldn’t care nearly as much about you if you weren’t busy placing your Driver into the golf bags of random chicks.  It’s your own fault, bro.  The true victims here are your wife and kids who have to suffer due to your stupidity.

Why the hell are you so entitled?  Actually, I know the answer to that one.  It’s because of fans like me who used to wash his testicles every time he won a golf tournament.  Speaking of entitlement, he said in part that he gave into the temptation because “he worked so hard.” Really?  I’d love to see how that would fly if any of us pulled that out on our wives…

**your wife walks in to see you on top of a random naked woman**

YOUR WIFE: What the hell is going on here??  Who is this woman??

YOU:  Chill out.  It’s Stephanie, my secretary. 

YOUR WIFE:  I can’t believe you’re cheating on me, you bastard!!

YOU: Will you get a grip?? I’ve been working 10 hour days, and my boss has been riding me harder than I’m about to ride Stephanie right now.  I think it makes sense that I would look for a little action on the side, don’t you?

YOUR WIFE:  Yeah, on second thought – I guess you’re right. 

**awkward silence**

YOUR WIFE:  Can I join you guys?

YOU:  Sure, why not?

The chances of this conversation happening are about as slim as a crackhead’s waistline.  We ALL work hard, douchebag – but it doesn’t give you the right to bang porn stars and other assorted skanks.  Stop saying stupid sh*t.

Maybe I’m crazy, but this is what I was hoping for during the press conference…….

**Tiger walks in wearing all black warmup pants, a black wife-beater tanktop, shades, and a cool-ass goatee**

TIGER: Hello. Let me start by saying I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for getting married in the first place…that was by far my biggest mistake.  I also feel sorry for all of my fans.  Even in my darkest hour, I’ll make more money than 95% of them will make in a year.  Sure, some of my fans will say that they hate me and that I’m a douchebag, but I’m a billionaire who plays a game for a living.  Most of them are just corporate stiffs who are lucky to make $50,000/yr in jobs that they hate…but that’s only if they actually have jobs.  The economy is only bad for poor people – and I ain’t poor, baby. 

**The crowd sits in stunned silence**

TIGER: Is this thing on? Good.  So let’s talk about the women I banged.  Bitches!!  Get out here!!

**A parade of skanks walk onto the stage all wearing nothing but long red Nike collared shirts (that look like short skirts) and high heels**

TIGER: Damn, my penis hurts just thinking about how many times I’ve had sex with these broads.  By the way, are there any representatives from Trojan condoms in the house? I could really use an endorsement deal right about now. 

**More stunned silence**

TIGER: Well, do you have any questions for me?  I’m about to have some wild gorilla sex with these women, and this press conference is really messing up my flow.  Ya dig?

REPORTER: Tiger, you’re really coming off as quite the scumbag right now. Aren’t you worried about your public image?

TIGER: No, because Americans are stupid and they’ll forget all about this once I win a few golf tournaments.  Next question.

REPORTER: Do you think you’re a role-model?

TIGER: To pimps all over the world, yes.  Next question.

REPORTER: What do you have to say to the people who looked up to you?

TIGER: Two words: Prenup.  Oh wait, that’s one word.  Anything else?

REPORTER: I think that covers it.

TIGER: Good.  I’d like to end this press conference by quoting The Dave Chappelle Show: “I’m still rich, biaaaaaaaatch!”  See ya on the golf course.

OK, I am crazy – but words cannot describe how badly I wanted something like this to happen.  Instead we were treated to that snooze-fest that really didn’t tell us anything.

I’ve stated many times before that Tiger was my favorite athlete ever (prior to the scandal); however, there are a few of my buddies who think that my opinion of him shouldn’t change.  They believe that everyone should get off Tiger’s back because what he does with his own time is between him and his family.  To an extent, that’s true – but I have a problem with anyone who isn’t real.  I don’t care if he’s a scumbag and wants to cheat on his wife – but I do care about the fact that his public persona is a complete 180 degree contrast from what he’s like behind closed doors.  The reason why I respect Mike Tyson is because he was a crazy mother*cker and that didn’t change whether a camera was in front of him or not.  On the other hand, Tiger acts like Mother Teresa one day and Godfather Pimp the next.  Fans like me feel duped by this clown, because we thought he could be a positive role model to kids and to the African-American community as a whole.  I just think it’s a shame that there will be a lot of teenagers who will think that it’s OK to be promiscuous and a bad husband just as long as you can swing a golf club, dunk a basketball, or catch a football. 

In closing, there are so many other things to say about this press conference that I’m going to leave on the table (i.e. His embrace of Buddhism, his terrible wardrobe choice, the look on his mother’s face that basically said, “As-an-Asian-mother-I-despise-being-humiliated-like-this-and-I-want-to-kill-you,” etc.), but I’d have to separate this post into chapters if I did that.  The bottom line is that he looked very uncomfortable, and I think that he’ll become even more uncomfortable until he decides to finally face the music and answer some really tough questions about what he did. 

But honestly – I really couldn’t care less about all of this, because I’m about to take care of my sex addiction right now.  I don’t think I need to tell you how that will work out for me.