This question comes from Shelly in New Orleans.  She writes,

QUESTION: Super Bowl Sunday is my favorite day of the year, and it’s probably not due to the reasons you’re thinking of.  I absolutely hate football and all sports, for that matter.  Seriously, what is compelling about a bunch of meathead losers running around in spandex?  My boyfriend and I are going to watch the new Channing Tatum movie Dear John, while the game is on and we’re both so excited.  While all of the idiots in this city are watching the Saints play, we’ll have the whole theater to ourselves.  Why aren’t there more men out there like my boyfriend?  The world would be a much better place.

TREY SAY: Don’t get it twisted, Shelly – there are plenty of men like your boyfriend.  They just happen to live in West Hollywood, watch Project Runway, drink fine wine, and think that skinny jeans are cool.  Don’t be surprised if the only reason why your man is “so excited” for the movie is to see Channing Tatum with his shirt off.  Of course a liberal guy like me has no problems with that, but I’m just trying to keep it real with you.  Since you’ve come to me for help, let me give you the top three signs that your man is hiding in the closet.

He hates sports: This is pretty obvious one, but it must be addressed.  The Super Bowl is a national holiday to every straight guy that I know.  We love the competition, the violence, the pressure, the booze, the food, the gambling – even the commercials.  Do any of you know of a straight dude who doesn’t like at least one of the aforementioned things?  If so, does he also not like women?  Probably.

He orders custom meals from fast-food restaurants:  This assumes that he even eats fast food (if not, then that’s a clear sign of his blatant homosexuality).  Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.  Let’s say you and a male friend went to Burger King for lunch…

BURGER KING EMPLOYEE: Hello, can I help you?

YOU: Yeah, can I have a #7 meal supersized with a Coke?

BURGER KING EMPLOYEE:  Sure.  What about you, sir?

YOUR FRIEND:  Can I have a Whopper cooked medium-rare, light-ketchup, and just a dash of sea salt on my French Fries, please?

BURGER KING EMPLOYEE:  Um, we don’t do that here, sir.

YOUR FRIEND: Oh no you did-ant! **snaps fingers and walks away**

OK, maybe that’s a bit extreme – but you get the idea.

He knows colors other than the primary ones:  I’ve stated this before, but if a dude knows of any other colors outside of the ones in the rainbow – it probably means he has a rainbow bumper sticker on his car.

With all that said, I absolutely love gay people.  Seriously, I do.  I hate to generalize, but most of the gay people I know are very friendly, very funny, and are genuinely happy people.  I couldn’t care less about the fact that they like to play “hide the salami” with each other…I just believe that our world has too many problems to be worried about people who are happy and in love.  Let them get married and give them the rights that us straight people have, for crying out loud.   Sorry for the political rant, but I’m not a fan of discrimination of any kind. 

However, I don’t love people who aren’t true to themselves.  Clearly your man is as queer as a Tennis Helmet if he would rather watch some sappy love story instead of the Super Bowl.  Tell him to be a man and come out of the closet, already.  He’s not fooling anyone by having you as a girlfriend (with the exception of your dumb ass, of course).  The compassionate and thoughtful people in this world will respect him for it, trust me. 

By the way, this isn’t just any Super Bowl – it’s the first ever Super Bowl for the city of New Orleans.  Remember, your city was ravaged by one of the worst natural disasters in American history.  Don’t you think that this game transcends football just a little?  Wouldn’t you want to root for the hometown team because of all that New Orleans has been through over the past few years?  I’m just sayin…

I’m not here to judge, Shelly.  I just provide the advice and it’s up to you to do something with it.  Your man is gay, and although he’d be a great movie buddy, shopping friend, or personal stylist – he probably won’t make a good future husband.  The sooner you trade him in for a beer-drinking, sports-watching, incessant farting/burping/cursing meathead, the happier you’ll be.  Let me know how that works out for you.