This question comes from Jack in Los Angeles.  He writes,

QUESTION: I need your help, Trey.  I’ve been emailing back and forth with a hella hot chick I met on the internet.  She lives in Indianapolis and is a big Colts fan.  We’ve never met in person, so I’m thinking it might be cool if I surprised her and flew out to Indy today to watch the game on Sunday. I have a lot of money, so I can do these things.  So what do you think?

TREY SAY: Do you really want to know what I think?  I guess I’ll start with the obvious – you’re a douchebag.  As we all know, there are many variations of douchebags: The Jersey Shore douchebags (you know – the fools who spend their waking moments going to the gym, tanning, doing laundry and fighting random strangers), the “I have money and I want everyone to know it” douchebags, and the “I lie about how successful I am, when I’m really just a loser who lives in my Mom’s basement” douchebag.  I’ll venture to guess that you’re version #3.

There are so many things wrong with your story that I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I’ll start with the whole “hella” thing.  How old are you?  12?  Grow the f*ck up.  2001 just called and it wants its word back.  Secondly, you have to be real with me for a minute: If you truly have that much money, I highly doubt you’d spend it on a plane ticket to fly 2,000 miles to meet a chick that you’ve never seen in person.  If you did have that kind of money, you’d just be “douchebag version #2” on my list, and there are plenty of them living in Los Angeles who happen to get laid on a regular basis.  By the way, is there a better place on the planet for douchebags to live other than LA?  The chicks absolutely love them.  The statement “nice guys finish last” couldn’t be more true in this crazy town.

Additionally, what qualifies as a ”hella hot” chick in Indianapolis?  Does she have slightly less hair on her face than you have on your nuts?  Does she only chew tobacco on game days?  Can she fit into the XL Payton Manning jersey, or does she have to wear the XXXL Dwight Freeney  jersey instead?  On a side note – you gotta love the midwest.  Only there is it “cool” to wear your team’s jersey outside of game day (i.e. Church, work, during sex, etc.).  That doesn’t happen out here in LA, because we’re too busy rocking our expensive designer gear (wait…now I’m sounding like a douchebag.  Looks like this city is rubbing off on me after all).

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times – stop looking for love on the internet.  I truly don’t understand how anyone could think that’s a great way to meet someone.  Let’s say you’re a single dude who stumbles upon a cute girl’s profile, and you try to strike up a conversation with her.  Don’t you think that there are about 75 other dudes who are trying to spit game at her too?  Good luck getting her attention.  It’s worse for single women.  Let’s say you find a cute guy online…he’ll probably date you, but he’ll also date about 10 other chicks at the same time.  Good luck not catching “the Clap” during that experience.  Don’t send me your “I know someone who found love online” stories, because I don’t want to hear them.  They’re losers, and so are you for thinking that sh*t is cool.  Anyway – you should use your social skills and meet people through regular channels (i.e. get setup by a friend or co-worker, hang out at a bookstore, etc).  Remember, the internet didn’t exist when your parents created you, and they figured out a way to meet without it…you can too.

So we’ve established that you’re a lying douchebag who lives in his Mom’s basement and drives a Ford Focus.  Obviously you aren’t going to fly to Indy to meet your hairy 300 lbs pseudo-girlfriend because it would be too difficult for you take time off from your Assistant Manager’s gig at Denny’s.   The best advice I could give you is to stay in your lane and stop pretending to be someone you’re not.  If you’re unwilling to do that, then you should just kill yourself immediately.  No matter what you choose, the world will have one less douchebag walking around, and then everyone wins.   Let me know how that works out for you.