This question comes from Henry in Dallas, TX.  He writes,

QUESTION: I have a dilemma. I would like to get a Valentine’s present for my significant other, but I’m not exactly sure what to get. She’s beautiful, funny, has a great personality, and is very nice. The problem is that I don’t want my wife to find out that I’m buying a present for my significant other. Yes, I’m cheating…and the girl is 16 and I’m 32, but she’s great in bed and looks like she’s 26. Am I a scumbag for thinking about what Valentine’s gift I should give to my mistress instead of my own wife?

TREY SAY: Do you want the short answer or long answer to your question? You’re in luck because I’ll give you both. The short answer is yes, you’re a scumbag. The long answer will describe why you are a scumbag…and ooooh, let me count the ways, my friend.

First off, you are cheating on your wife. Secondly, you’re cheating on your wife with a chick that’s half your age. Thirdly, you’re cheating on your wife with a girl that isn’t legal. Fourthly (and yes, “fourthly” is a word), you haven’t bought a Valentine’s Day gift for your wife because you’re more worried about what to get for your child mistress? Really?

OK, we’ve established that you’re a scumbag, but we must establish that you’re a moron as well. Where did you meet this girl, anyway? Are you one of those creepy dudes who likes to hang out in “Forever 21” stores to scope out pre-pubescent ass? In addition, what the hell could you possibly have in common with a 16 year old? Are you going to talk about how “hella cool” those greasy jackasses are on the Jersey Shore? Just a side note, if you watch Jersey Shore or any other Reality TV show on MTV or VH1 – and you’re over the age of 25, you’re an idiot. There is nothing even remotely compelling, thought-provoking, or interesting about that sh*t. It took me a while to decide who was worse…the people on the show, or the people that watch it – and I decided on the latter. If you would watch that crap instead of shows like 24 or Lost, you seriously need to get your head examined.

So Henry, the best Valentine’s Day gift you could give to your wife is a divorce. She’ll thank you in the long run, trust me. In regards to Hannah Montana, I’d give her directions on how to discreetly add a shank to a loaf of bread, so you can protect yourself in prison. That weeeooohweeeoohweeee sound is the cops coming to your door to lock your statutory-rape loving ass up.  Who knows?  If they get to you soon, you might find yourself a Valentine in jail.  Let me know how that works out for you.